Sunday, 30 December 2007

An adventure.

Digg this

Somehow Jim has managed to break the scales. They are happy to admit that I have applied pressure, lighting up their display in the normal manner, but they refuse to register my weight as anything more or less than 0lbs. This cannot be right. I only bought the first set of scales back in June and I had to replace them soon after that as well.

She doesn't know how she broke them, but I am now in serious trouble.

I get dressed quickly and head out to the Range, which is the closest source of weight-measuring apparatus I know of. Sadly the Range has an opening time of 1030hrs and I have an expected opening time which falls far sooner. It's a ten minute walk to Boots, but it takes more like 15 with stomach cramps.

Of course, Boots doesn't open until 1100hrs. Bum! Back to the Range.

I am sitting on the railings outside the Range and people are starting to arrive. I have never really hung around outside a non-essential store in this way and I am amused by the kind of clientèle who do. The highlight for me was the elderly lady who just kept complaining to the rest of us that "I was told ten." I am utterly at a loss to explain why she keeps telling us this, in stark contrast to the large 10:30 sign in the door, but it seems to keep her from dissolving in her rage.

Eventually we are allowed in and I weigh myself on some very expensive digital scales at a frankly shocking 202.6lbs. Sadly I am not out of the woods yet.

The gents is out of order. There is a padlock on the door.

Now I am not a man to be got down by these things and I spare not one second on the morality of my actions, before I charge to the disabled facilities, drop my trousers and sit. What it was that made me reach for a piece of paper before attending to the deed I do not know, but I can only thank the Lord that I did so. Pinching it off before it can escape I re-dress and leave - things are getting desperate now.

One thing I will say for Matalan: their customers have good bladder and bowel control - not a single lavatory in the place.

Thankfully, despite not being able to get hold of medicines or nik-naks, the residents of Exeter are able to go ten pin bowling whatever the hour of the morning.

I am having a poo

The facilities are not bad, although there is no soap in the dispenser, and I make my way back to the Range to weigh myself at 200.8lbs

I have also arranged for a painter and decorator, whom I am related to, to come on Wednesday and do some work (Yay!) and am now going to take the old scales back to Boots with a fearful level of complaint in my heart.

In other news, Harry the hamster went back to his owners' last night, which has left my bedroom eerily silent.

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