Weight gains countered through the power of poop

The true purpose of this exercise is to perfect the new dieting technique known as scatology dieting. Fun and games aside, we are trying to achieve weight loss through sizeable turds. Today is a black day for our charts.

I weigh myself in at 14st 6.5lbs. This is the heaviest I have been since I began charting my weight and, whilst it holds some hope for a gargantuan poop, it is with my head down that I take the slow walk through the publishing department and off to visit Ivor.


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I am having a poo
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I come out of the cubicle veritably whistling to myself. It was large enough to give me hope, although, deep in my heart I know I shall be lucky to get back down to 200lbs even. My 4lb poop last month was a freak occurrence and I am under no illusion as to the chances of a repeat performance.
Dropping my shoes off at my desk, I head back to the MD's office to discover my fate.

14st 4lbs - it was a 2.5lb my whippy. None too shoddy, but the behemothic proportions of my mass have taken the sheen from today's toilet trip.

And after the office girl bought me Bran flakes for breakfast as well. I don't know.

Communal curling

I normally poop alone, but by pure coincidence the lavatory today featured two friends evacuating their bodies in a similar fashion. Things began in the normal embarrassed silence which generally accompanies humans defecating, but after a particularly acoustic fart from young Rowan, things descended into ribald jeering.

I am not certain, but the accountant from our neighbouring office may well have been more uncomfortable than a Welsh Dresser in a chipboard factory.

Anyway, down to details. I weighed in at a whopping 14st 4lbs before my visit to the now legendary little boy's room, and returned a triumphant 14st 2.25lbs, having jettisoned a splendid 1.75lb Yule log from my undercarriage.

Splendid stuff.

Crapper designs

I was sent a link to a nice little diatribe entitled you know what i hate? irresponsibly placed toilet paper dispensers today, and I have to say I agree.

The problems here are, however, at the other end of the bog roll positioning spectrum. In the normal cubicles there is no problem at all, but there are only two stalls, so I often (more than once a week) find myself in the disable cubicle.

Given that the convenience is supposedly designed with the mobility challenged individual in mind, the placement of the arse wipe is incredulous. With the arm rest in place it is almost impossible for an able bodied Adonis like myself to reach, so I can hardly imagine what it must be like for those who, perhaps through some war wound or freak accident involving 2 cats and a hedge trimmer, are bereft of a limb or two.

It's Two Poop Monday!

Yes, that's right - It's quarter past five and I need another poo. The weight must be literally falling off me now. I weigh in at 14st 4.75lbs.
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I am having a poo
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Oooh! 14st 3.75lbs - that makes today a 3lb of poop day. And they said my dieting technique would never work.

I was just accused by our MD (in who's office the scales live) of showing anorexic tendencies. Bollocks. When I look in the mirror and see a fat man it is because there is a fat man looking in the mirror.

Of course, you will now have noticed that I have, momentarily at least, surpassed my ideal weight, so I had better cut down on the beer for a couple of days, eh?

High expectations.

After a weekend of debauchery, including many fried meals and more beer than I would normally consider to be safe, I have high hopes for a repeat of yesterday's unmeasured behemoth. I am weighing in at an enormous 14st 4lbs, so there's plenty of excess to shake off. Here goes:
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I am having a poo
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Oh dear, 14st 2lbs. It's only a 2lb turd. This is not the way to achieve my ideal weight at all.

A few weeks ago I would have been happy with a 2lber, but I have trained myself up for my dieting regime and I was hoping for a 3lb+ marvel.

Never mind, I'll get that plotted now and get on with some work.

Stag weekend let-down

Shit! loads of it, and no scales.

I got what we scientists refer to as 'proper shitfaced' last night and this morning's offering evaded measurement. It was of a capacity which extended far above the water in the toilet, so I am reckoning it is about a 3lber if not more.

I have not only missed a day, which from a dieting perspective, ruins my data-stream, but also missed out on recording what is possibly the largest emission I have ever had. After this enormous personal evacuation had passed unrecorded I was left feeling utterly hollow.

Public poops

After a quick fiddle with the digital scales, it became very apparent that, in my hungover state, there was no understanding the damned things, so it was a matter of swiftly setting up a manual dial and weighing myself. I felt a little self conscious emptying my pockets in the aisle, but to hell with it, this is science.

14st 2lbs, not too bad. PDA Time.
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I am having a poo
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Back to the scales aisle. I had to leave the child under the watchful eyes of sales staff whilst I made use of their (frankly shoddy) conveniences and I feel a little cheeky using their scales when I have no intention of purchasing them at all.

14st - a two pound poop at the weekend. Time to go drinking again, you'll have to wait until tomorrow before I plot this on the charts, but hey, whose poop diet is this anyway?

Apparatus collection.

Well, to date my weight loss activities have been limited to the workplace, but that lacks for consistency, so I felt it was time to buy some bathroom scales to install, chez Manley.

With this in mind, the eldest offspring and I journeyed out into the wondrous Aladdin's cave that is 'The Range'. Joy of joys, there is a veritable Cornu Copiae of scales to choose from and, with my 20% discount voucher from the Exeter Times clenched in my grubby mitt, there is nothing that can hold me back. Or is there?

Alas, the scales are beyond me. The range at The Range includes manual scales, digital scales, manual scales with digital displays, digital scales with small electrical pads which fry my feet and tell me my body fat content, scales with small processors which store my poo-poundage history and a bread board which looks a bit like scales through the eyes of My Lordship, half way through Tinium's stag weekend.

Added to this is the fact that they all declare me to be wildly different weights, but I manage to select a set which, whilst aesthetically abhorrent, seem to work in a manner I can understand without being too costly.

Unfortunately, when I finally reach the front of the queue, my scales turn out to be £20 more than advertised (someone had put them in the wrong box) and there is nothing which can convince the girl on the desk to let me have them on the cheap. Time is running out and I need to get this poop out of me and back to the stag weekend.

Children say the darnedest things, but this time her idea was a blinder. To the shop conveniences!

My ideal weight.

Looking around tintermawebs, I find various different calculators for ideal weights. Generally these work on averages based on my age, height and sex and generally I get told that I, as a 6'2" 32 year old man, should weigh between 195lbs -> 205lbs, with odd aberrations ranging from 187lbs -> 220lbs.

I have chosen to go with the Health Central calculator because it takes into account my frame size.

Working on the basis that, when I wrap my thumb and major fingers around the smallest part of my wrist, the fingers barely touch (and I have big hands, ladies!) I get an ideal weight range of 190lbs -> 209lbs. For graphing purposes I have chosen to say that I need to be <200lbs and will thus use the 200lb mark as my base level.

The results are very informative.

It appears that my pre-poop weight is almost exactly proportional to my poop size.

Does pizza make for big poops?

I am a little nervous about this morning's delivery.
I'm 13st 13.5lbs pre-poop and I worry that I won't have enough reserves for a really top class dump.
I am certainly not looking to match yesterday's 4lb magnificence, but I have become accustomed to >1lb turds now and it is a trend which I am going to have to maintain if my dieting programme is going to remain a success.
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I am having a poo.
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12st 12.5lb a 1lb poop. All is still on track.
My task for today is to discover what my ideal weight should be, so as to monitor my weight loss in terms of +- ideal weight or BMI and turd weights.

Thank you Adam for the splendid Pizza and for the 1lb brown fish it produced.