Tuesday, 31 July 2007

My ideal weight and how to measure it.

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The scales have gone awry. I was able to step on and off the scales and go from 192lbs to 187lbs and back up to 190lbs. This poses a problem. My home scales are fine and dandy and, this very morning, measured my weight loss as being the 1.7lbs from 190.4lbs down to 188.7lbs.

The scales in the exec office are an entirely different matter. For all their body fat, BMI, weight, speed and mathematical ability features, they have begun weighing me very differently, depending where on the scales I stand.

I elect to place my toes against the far edge and my feet against the sides - I am not sure which position is showing my the correct weight, but this shows me roughly what I expect and, as long as I place my size 11s in the same spot. each time, it is consistent, which will allow me to see the difference.

With my feet positioned just so, I can see what effect my recent diet (almost exclusively vegan at the moment, although there is no explanation for this) has had on my weight loss programme. I 'weigh' 190lbs precisely.

I am having a poo

I now weigh 189.7lbs. I don't think that this really reflects the effort I put into losing weight today and I feel that this represents a small setback in my dieting regime, although I clearly am far from obese.

Monday, 30 July 2007

No poo Sunday.

Digg this

I hadn't noticed that I did no poo yesterday, but it appears that I didn't. Hmm, that's not right, is it?

Anyway, yesterday I stuck a screw far enough into my hand that it needed unscrewing. It had been on the floor at the traveller camp, in the back of a van used for slurry equipment and on the floor in the recycling centre (tip), with a soil pipe.

Resultantly I spent this morning finding out whether I have had a booster for my tetanus and this afternoon trying to remember what I did in 2004 that needed a tetanus booster.

I weigh 192lbs

I am having a poo

I feel that I may well need another later, but at 2.6lbs I do not feel ashamed. I (obviously) now weigh 189.4lbs.


Sunday, 29 July 2007

Camps, gigs, beers and poo

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Well, yesterday was an odd day. It's strange not having the two older children about, but sort of peaceful too. I didn't really get up until about 11, I rang for a wedding (ceremonial campanology earns me a crisp tenner, to boot! Imagine, with an average of a wedding every second weekend, I could manage to earn about £250 a year, if it weren't for the cost of ropes) and then a man came around who wanted some hardcore.

He took me up to Haldon's illegal traveller site where we dumped the bricks into the quagmire which was surrounding his van.

I must say, it pleases me to give the hardcore to someone who needs it like this, rather than to someone who wants the bricks for a barbecue or the hardcore for under a patio.

Then in the evening we took the smallest Manley to see Amber Fisher supporting Thief at the Prospect. It was a little loud for the smallest one (they have delicate ears, donchaknow?) so we ended up sitting outside for most of the gig, but it was a most pleasant evening.

I also got chatted up in the gents. When I went in there was a man who was the dead spit of a young Donald Southerland (although he clearly was aiming for this, with bleached hair and the right clothes) with a camera, which he swiftly hid away. Another chap then came out of the cubicle and they left together. That was odd, thinks Manley, but then the second chap comes back and stands at the urinal as if urinating, but instead engages My Lordship in conversation of a suggestive nature.

I, naturally, did not bite (I am a married man) but one thing stuck in my head from this encounter (which otherwise was only really unusual because his mate looked so much like a film star). which was that he complimented me on looking 'like that bloke out of Flow'.

I don't know what Flow is. Is it a band, is it a film, please, someone, let me know. I am a vain sort and need to find out who it is I am supposed to look like.

Anyway, that was all yesterday and now I weigh 189.6lbs in my pants.

I am having a poo

Blimey! That was a big'un. Sorry, not normally so graphic. Anyway, what do I weigh? *toddles off towards the scales*

You know, all this weight loss makes me hungry. Still, I have to go to the tip to get rid of my old cooker first, before I can eat. I weigh 188.3lbs (still in my pants - £5 for two pairs boxers from Tesco) and have to admit to being a bit disappointed that it was only a 1.3lb poo. This is not the way to drop a dress size.

I suppose that, if I want larger poos (and thus to lose more weight) then I need to start eating more.

Saturday, 28 July 2007

Almost alone.

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It's odd to think that, not so long ago (that is, last century) there was just Manley, but this weekend I am celebrating the peace of being alone and there are three of us in the bed. My two eldest girls have gone to stay with Grandma and Old Man and so it is just Jim, the baby and I, having a break.

I wonder how many first time parents would consider being woken up by their 6 week old baby at 5 on a Saturday morning to be a peaceful break?

Either way, my bowels wait for no man. I weigh 191.7lbs.

I am having a poo

I have the rare treat(?) of being able to amble, utterly bare, back to my bedroom. I used to walk around my own home in the buff whenever I wanted, but I am suddenly aware that it has been 6 years or so since I last did so and I feel, well, naked.

I weigh 189.9lbs, but Jim is too busy dealing with someone else's massive poo to notice that I am trim and below my ideal weight. The little one went 36 hours without, but she has more than made up for it this morning, pretty much driving my own attempts into obscurity.

It's been a while since we looked at a chart, so here's an update:


Update: Another! I weigh 190.7lbs

I am having a(nother) poo

188.9lbs - that's not bad at all!

Friday, 27 July 2007

Return of the wild colonial builders.

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Well, It's been two weeks, but the builders are back.

I don't suppose that they'd have much positive to say about the fact that I measure the weight of my poo, but I weigh 193.9lbs, none the less.

I am having a poo

And now I weigh 192.3lbs.


Thursday, 26 July 2007

Double trouble

Digg this

No time today:

190lbs => 188.4lbs

and then

192lbs => 190.4lbs

It's not much, but it's all I have to offer.

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

No poo day, the first.

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Well, going a whole day without a visit to Ivor is not uncommon for me, in the usual scheme of things, but what with having a new baby, knocking down half my house and, thanks to my scatology dieting programme, generally being more attentive to my bowel movements, I know that it has been a sacred and mystical event over the last few months.

Over 40,000 of you have come to look and see what my poo weighs each day and to, hopefully, learn something from my weight loss experiment into poo fuelled techniques for dropping a dress size.

That's over 40,000 unique visitors, over the last 3 weeks, who are not bots and who don't have adblock installed. I am humbled.

I have also had 4 clicks on my ads, so that's 70p I've made, spreading the word about pre poo and post poo poundage. I am considering chucking SEO Consultancy and pooing full time.

I want to thank you all properly, so, in lieu of the poo that I have not done today, I present you with this picture of a badgerigar, what I done made:

Thank you and goodnight!

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

Woke up this morning, feeling fine

Digg this

got to do a poo that's like a . . .

Well, mine would rhyme, but depth charge might appeal more to the toilet humour of my readers.

I'll go with 'poo', I think.

I had an excellent night last night, the youngest Manley got up just the once for a feed, which is splendid, and i go to weigh myself with a slight spring in my step.

I weigh 191.2lbs

I am having a poo

Dammit! I've kicked the scales across the room and stubbed my toe. It takes about 22 seconds for the scales to calibrate themselves which is short enough a time that setting them and wandering off would be ridiculous, but waiting is irritating, worse even than a sore toe.

I weigh 189.5lbs. I have been lax with my plotting of poos lately, but I shall get back on it as soon as I have finished the audit I am doing.



I had a few beers for lunch and no food at all and the result appears to be another weight loss session - I have a lot to answer for when it comes to the irregularity of my diet.

I weigh 191.4lbs

I am having a poo

Oh! 189.8lbs. Not bad at all. I'd add something funny, but I'm a bit pissed and I just smacked my head on the wall.

Vegans in 'avoiding the question' shocker.

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This morning, in response to comments on the placenta casserole post, I contacted the vegan society to ask them the following, important questions:

Good morning,

I have a question concerning the nature of freely given meat. Firstly, and primarily, my question surrounds placentophagy. If my wife freely gives her placenta to be eaten and we eat it, does this fall within the remit of vegans?

As an aside, (and I ask this only out of curiosity and doctrinal confusion - it is unlikely to ever become an issue!) his other diet aside, could Armin Meiwes be considered vegan?

My personal thoughts were that, if the 'donor' had given permission for his remains to be eaten after death, say following an execution, then I think that probably yes, this would be conceivably vegan in nature, but as Meiwes first slaughtered his supper, as it were, I feel that the donor died solely in order to produce food so that, even though his meat was freely given, the taking of life for the purpose perhaps negates that.

As I say, I genuinely wish to know the answer to the placenta question and am interested in thoughts on the Meiwes argument.


And, almost immediately, I received this, frankly below par, response:
Good Hi Manley,

Thanks for getting in touch. Strictly speaking placenta is not suitable for vegans because it is a human animal product, but if your wife gives it freely and willingly then it becomes an issue between her and the person receiving it. If everyone in the agreement is happy then there is no reason why this should not take place.

I hope this helps.

All the best,


The Vegan Society
Donald Watson House,
21 Hylton Street,
B18 6HJ
Direct Line: 0121 523 1735
In all honesty I can only suggest that it is precisely this kind of issue avoidance that keeps the movement on the fringe.

Monday, 23 July 2007

Monday morning blues.

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My diet has not been too bad lately. I am eating sensibly, sleeping badly and drinking plenty of fluid, yet I am spotty as the now legendary Muldoon.

I have been building my kitchen all day yesterday and I can only assume that the 4 massive blemishes to my otherwise glorious fizgog must be attributed to the dust and grime of the building site.

Either way, I weigh in at 191.4lbs in the exec office this morning, where our Group Account Director is looking as though anything she has to tell me will not be repeated, in her French Resistance coat.

I am having a poo

Upon my return I take a moment to look for the CTO, as I remember he had an eye patch recently. The office teen has lost one of her contact lenses and is unable to wink, resulting in her having to work with one hand over her face.

I find this somewhat more amusing than I probably should, but I have business to attend to.

I weigh 188.6lbs.


Sunday, 22 July 2007

Knocking 'em down and building 'em back up again.

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Over and over again!

Today I have dropped from 191.1lbs to 190lbs.

Hardly worth the effort.

Saturday, 21 July 2007

Wedding bells again

Digg this

Two poos and a wedding:
191.5lbs down to 190.7lbs.

Single down to married.

190.1lbs down to 189.7lbs.

1.2lbs or poo and an oz of gold.

Friday, 20 July 2007

Lots of fatty foods

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Woke up early and went straight to work. I have a lot to do (well, actually, I have much less to do than usual, but I do have an audit to perform and I like to get things finished) and find I can do much more before others arrive.

Before I set off I weigh myself at 191.2lbs. That's not so bad!

I am having a poo

188.5lbs. Well, aren't I the slim Adonis?

Today, however we defrosted the freezer at work so ice creams were consumed. Also a pain au chocolat, a chocolate muffin, a flapjack or two, some savoury rice ("fewer vegetables, still satisfying) and a splendid pasta bake mean that my morning success is short lived.

I weigh 192.6lbs before I go for a weight loss extravaganza. My diet has not helped me retain my target weight.

I am having a poo

Back up to 191.6lbs. Worse than when i woke up this morning, but then, if I am honest, that is to be expected really.

Thursday, 19 July 2007

Any Answers.

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I had a comment on the The placenta post where Saskia said...

Hi, can you tell me where to find a placenta?

Also, which one do u recommend?

Can you also let me know the complete nutritional facts of a placenta?

Thanks in advance, I'll love to try it.

In truth, it is probably beast if you get your own. The best way to do this is to have sex with a real man and then there is a nine month waiting list. On the plus side, placentas generally come with at least one free gift.

I'd not know how you would go about buying one, but I'd advise against it and, if you do so then I'd suggest that it will have to be very, very carefully prepared.

Placentophagia -- the pratice of eating the placenta -- has been observed throughout history in many parts of the world. In Western cultures, eating the placenta is often viewed as barbaric, but thanks to new information about the surprising benefits, there has been a recent push among young mothers to eat the placenta after giving birth. While many Western doctors discourage placentophagia with the claim that it carries no inherent benefits, studies have shown that eating the placenta can curb postpartum depression, replenish nutrients, increase milk production, and slow postpartum hemmorrhage.

Placentophagia may deter the onset of postpartum depression

The placenta contains high levels of various vitamins, such as B6, which can help curb postpartum depression. Eating the placenta enables the mother to "reclaim" these vitamins and put them to use in her own body. Placentophagia may also increase a mother's blood levels of a hormone known as CRH (corticotropin-releasing hormone), a known stress-reducer. This hormone is normally secreted by the hypothalamus. According to a study performed by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), "During the last trimester of pregnancy, the placenta secretes so much CRH that the levels in the bloodstream increase threefold. However, it was also discovered that postpartum women have lower than average levels of CRH, triggering depressive symptoms. They concluded that the placenta secreted so much CRH that the hypothalamus stopped producing it (http://placentabenefits.info/medicinal.asp)." After childbirth, the hypothalamus doesn't immediately receive the signal to begin producing CRH again, which can lead to postpartum depression. Eating the placenta can raise a mother's CRH levels, reducing symptoms of postpartum depression.

Placentophagia may help replenish nutrients lost during childbirth

Human placenta is rich in various essential nutrients such as iron and protein. Placentophagia can help replenish these nutrients, which are often depleted during childbirth due to blood loss. This benefit of placentophagia may be especially important for vegetarian or vegan mothers, who may have slightly lower blood iron levels to begin with. (Many animals also practice placentophagia, presumably for this reason.)

Placentophagia can increase breastmilk production, especially in women at risk for low milk supply

For centuries, the Chinese have consumed the placenta as a way to increase insufficient milk production. In 1954, a study was conducted in which 210 women, expected to have low milk supply, were administered dried placenta. 86% of the mothers noticed a significant increase in milk production (http://placentabenefits.info/medicinal.asp). It follows, therefore, that placentophagia can be beneficial in stimulating breastmilk production, even for mothers who are not at risk for low supply.

Placentophagia can stimulate uterine contractions and slow postpartum hemmorhage

Oxytocin is a naturally-occurring chemical in the brain that stimulates uterine contractions that lead to the onset of labor. This same chemical also enables the uterus to contract and quickly return to its pre-pregnancy size, as well as slowing postpartum bleeding. Studies have shown that eating the placenta triggers the release of oxytocin into the bloodstream, enabling the uterus to quickly heal and tone itself after childbirth.

Does placentophagia carry any inherent risks?

Many doctors, especially in Western culture, have expressed some concern that eating the placenta may spread disease such as HIV, hepatitis, and other blood-borne illness. However, placentophagia is traditionally practiced only by the mother and not by other parties, so there is no risk of spreading disease. If she has a disease, she cannot reinfect herself, and if she is not currently ill, she cannot become ill from eating her own placenta.

Other than that, there is little risk involved in placentophagia. As with any meat, the placenta must be properly cared for before consumption. Fresh placenta may be eaten raw, but if the placenta is to be stored and used at a later time, it should be frozen or otherwise prepared to prevent bacterial infection.

It is important to note that with some birth practices, such as lotus birth (in which the umbilical cord is left uncut until it dries and detaches naturally days after birth), eating the placenta is not possible due to the treatment of the placenta. However, in instances such as this, the placenta may be used for other purposes, such as placenta art, or the ritual of burial.

You can find more about this on Wikipedia

Too good to last.

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I am somewhat concerned that i am turning into Victor Meldrew. I sent a letter regarding the graffiti in my hotel room, for starters.

Then yesterday there was a British Gas man outside my house in his van, with his 'phone on full volume, shouting a conversation with his head office loudly enough that I could hear it in my back room. Thankfully I own a megaphone and was able to casually approach his van and ask him politely, with the dial set to 10, if he'd mind going elsewhere or picking up the handset.

Now I am at work and have received a letter from the ASA regarding an Ann Summers poster.

The poster was on a commercial vehicle. It showed a topless woman wearing knickers and stockings leaning against a wall looking over her right shoulder. The text stated 'Making Devon Cream.'

The ASA have upheld my complaint, stating that the consider that the pose of the model when used in conjunction with the sexual innuendo of 'Making Devon Cream' is likely to cause serious and widespread offence.

What am I turning into?

Not a thin man, certainly - I have put weight on again and today's weight loss extravaganza only served to reduce me from 193.4lbs to 191.2lbs.

Frankly not good enough.

Wednesday, 18 July 2007


Digg this

Today I am working from home. My plan was to get an extra hour in bed in the morning, work through to lunch, do the kitchen in the afternoon and then put in some hours in the evening.

Unfortunately I was rudely awakened earlier than usual and had to get up to deal with children and found that I had not switched on the plug and the power tools had flat batteries, so I have, in truth, merely worked a normal 8 hour day at home, besides popping out for 15 minutes to get some plasterboard at lunchtime.

I am writing this in retrospect, but you should know that at eight this morning I weighed 193.9lbs, then 192.8lbs then at nine I weighted 192.7lbs, leading down to 191lbs, then at quarter to ten I dropped from 190.8lbs down to 189.6lbs.

That's a full 0.4lbs below my target weight.


I can't imagine what it might be about the potatoes I ate last night which is bringing this on, but it is now nearly five in the afternoon and I need another poo. I weigh 188.8lbs

I am having a poo

I am down to 186.8lbs. I can't understand it, what brought this on I have no idea - I stuffed myself silly on dead man's potatoes last night. Maybe potatoes are good poo weight foodstuffs?

I must work out my BMI at some point, it must be getting on for being around my target.

Tuesday, 17 July 2007


Digg this

This morning I travelled down to Exmouth and collected a kitchen which my builders are ripping out of someone else's home. It was still glorious sunshine when I picked up the hitcher on the way back (I tend not to stop for people with trade plates as I know that they are paid for the journey and feel like they are taking the Michael a little, but in this weather, what can make one unhappy?).

I got back home in plenty of time to take my eldest to school but, as I left, it started to rain.

Now, rain can be a bit like a shower, lots of water falling everywhere, but this was more like a bath. I arrived at school a soaked fool dragging a drowned rat. She was okay, but I still had to cycle to work.

Here I am, 6 hours later, still sitting in my pants whilst my jeans, socks and shoes fail to dry. An added discomfort is the fact that I have a Pro Fitness Gym Ball in lieu of a proper chair and my thighs are sticking to it in a manner which can only be described as eugh.

With my wet jeans back on, I weigh 192.3lbs.

I am having a poo

And now I weigh 191.8lbs. I have to wear the jeans to go into the exec office, as I am sure you understand, but it is galling as I feel sure that they must nearly weigh 2lbs at the moment.



I have had my lunch and returned. Now wearing shorts, kindly loaned to me by the ever generous Matthewparker, I find that I weigh in at 191.8lbs - wow! The difference between wet jeans and dry shorts is exactly the same as the weight of my luncheon.

Proof, if proof were required, that there must be a God.

I am having a poo

I return to the exec office in high spirits. It was quite a large one and anything approaching 2lbs should set me on my target weight. 190.4lbs. A 1.4lb poo.

So near, but yet so far.

Monday, 16 July 2007

Richard Gray is Gay

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It has come to my attention (I am writing this on a Mac at the AGM of Haldon Freeride where, as secretary, I can pretend that I am working) that the search term ["richard gray is gay] returns no results at all.

Clearly this is a travesty of justice, and I need to alter the SERPs to reflect the very fact.

I hope that mt actions will now allow Google to more closely reflect the truth as we all know it to be.

Thank you.

[UPDATE: 1 hour and 15 minutes later and there I am! Thank you Google.]

The honeymoon period.

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Yesterday was not a good day.

After a splendid breakfast at the hotel and a wonderful lunchtime at the groom's parents', we set off, in good time, for sunny Devon. I still had a splitting headache from cracking my suede on the beam in the hotel room, but we were making excellent time and were past Burnham-on-Sea before you could throttle a swan. I stopped because of my headache for a quick lavatory break and, whilst I was there, I filled the Delica up with petrol.

4 hours and £250 later, I am back at the same service station, filling up with diesel.

You may as well know that this morning I weighed 195.1lbs pre-poo and 194.3lbs post-poo, but if you think I have a shred of joy left to humour you with then you are very much mistaken.

The shirt dangled carelessly across the beam is to try and stop me repeating the performance - the swearword scrawled on the timber was not really visible in the room and, indeed, only became apparent to me when I saw this image and, as an idea of scale, I stand about level with the top of that beam.


Update: I have elected to tell the hotel about this, thus:

Good Morning,

We had a lovely stay in Bridgnorth over the weekend and the staff at the Croft made our stay enjoyable, as did the splendid breakfast. In no way do I want you to consider this a complaint, but there are two things I feel are worthy of comment and 1 minor gripe:

1) The family room (room 12) is beautiful, but represented a real problem for myself. I appreciate that 6'2" is tall and that, for many guests, the height of the room will represent no problem at all, but a significant enough portion of the population are now over 6' that I feel it might be worth warning visitors before they arrive. The pitch to either side notwithstanding, the beam in the middle of the room caught me a fair few times and (and I appreciate that I should not have been wearing my hat indoors) when it was hidden by the brim of my panama, managed to knock me out cold. I would only presume that this might have been what led, during another tall guest's stay, to my second point:

2) Above the sofa bed (and thus emblazoned as a legend above my sleeping 3 year old daughter) someone has scrawled an extremely crude word on the beam. I cannot say whether this has been cleaned well or if it is simply written using a deodorant or similar greasy item, but it was not very visible to the naked eye, however you will see from this photograph that it is clearly visible under a flash. Might I suggest that this be painted over.

3) Thankfully I did not drink over the weekend, as I was the designated driver, but the steps outside the room have a small, child sized, landing. The left of this landing ends with a 4 or 5 step drop which I fancy could do a mischief to an adult ankle or a child's neck.

As I say, my stay was enjoyable and, the headache aside, these points did not detract from my enjoyment of the room and the beautiful town, but I felt that, in particular in the case of the graffiti, these points would be useful to you.

Many thanks,




A reply:

Dear Manley,

Just a quick response to say thank you for your e-mail regarding your stay at The Croft last weekend. I am really pleased that you enjoyed both your stay at the hotel and your visit to Bridgnorth as a whole. It is an absolutely lovely town, and it was really fortunate that the weather was so good for you, especially for the wedding (which I gather went very well!)

Thank you ever so much for mentioning the regrettable graffiti on the beam. As you said, it was virtually impossible to see with the naked eye, but I’ve managed to find it, and will ensure someone paints over it today.

Thank you once again for the e-mail, and I will pass both these and your other comments on to the relevant people.

Best regards,


I am really glad, I thought they ought to know, but was worried that they would take it as an insult and it wasn't meant to be. Ho-hum.

Sunday, 15 July 2007

Wedding fare!

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Well, I'm in sunny Bridgenorth and I have been to a frankly rather smashing wedding. It took me quite by surprise to realise that the couple, who I have known for some time now, actually really do love each other a great deal. She's not even pregnant, how posh is that?

Either way, I am here in a bloody awful hotel room. I knocked myself out yesterday on the beam and I have hit my head twenty or thirty times already this morning. Thankfully I have brought my scales with me and my mobile telephone, a marvel of the modern age.

I weigh 193.4lbs

I am having a poo

And now I weigh 192.1lbs, that's not as good as I'd hoped for, particularly after all the cordite and cigars, but it is definitely time for breakfast, so I must be off.


Post breakfast I return. It was really rather good and has almost made up for being in a room where I can only stand upright in the central 2' and there is a beam across the centre of that. I do, however, find I need another poo and regret packing the scales away.

I weigh 196lbs

I am having a poo

195lbs A nice, tidy, 1lb poo. I just have to pop 'round to visit the parents of the groom and I'm back top Devon in time for afternoon tea.

Toodle pip!

Saturday, 14 July 2007

Early morning pounds a dropping.

Digg this

It's far too early for sensible thought, let it just be known that I weigh 194.3lbs and the, after losing 1.3lbs, I weigh 193lbs.

I must remember to pack the scales.

Friday, 13 July 2007

Happy birthday, Old Man!

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It's my Father's birthday so, as every year, we all have to eat KFC and drink Pepsi, as is his recurring birthday wish. I don't know why, but it is and, as it is his birthday, we go along with it, foul (haha!) stuff that it is. The children seem to enjoy it anyway.

Anyway, I can only imagine that a side effect of Old Man's birthday dinner must be large, greasy stools. It seems the ideal diet to instigate some serious weight loss and so, with a brave heart, I set out to see what can be done.

I weigh 195.7lbs (and yes, I am aware that I am getting fatter again, thank you for noticing).

I am having a poo

195.5lbs? that was a mere .2lbs of poo.

Frankly I feel a little let down.

The haircut.

Digg this

How else can I lose weight?

I have a plan, I am going for a haircut. It is Tinium's wedding tomorrow and, since I am meant to be an usher, I thought I should ush with slightly tidier hair. I weigh 193.4lbs.

I am having a haircut

I have had 5" (about 13cm for the foreign) cut off my hair and I have lost no weight at all. None. You'd think that the walk to the barbers and back would have had some weight loss effect, but no. 193.4lbs.


A little larger.

Digg this

After the delight of finding that I was nearly at my ideal weight yesterday, I am horrified by this morning's 194lb reading. (that's reading, not Reading, although Utopia is almost certainly every bit as awful as it once was).

I am having a poo

That was massive! It is with a new gleam of hope that I enter the exec office to utilise their scales. 193.4lbs. A 0.6lb poop. That's just pathetic.

Thursday, 12 July 2007

So close!

Digg this

I have nearly achieved my pre determined ideal weight as the result of all this concentrated weight loss activity and the high fibre, high protein, high crisps and beer diet I embarked upon, just 2 short months ago.

I am writing this retrospectively as I had an extended 3 hour lunch break, during which time I had to put an RSJ in with the builders and dump a couple of tons of rubble at the tip, so I didn't have much time for non work related computing this afternoon.

At around 11 this morning, I weighed myself at 192.5lbs, after which

I had a poo

and then I weighed, wait for it . . . wait for it . . . 190.1lbs That's just .1 of a pound from my ideal weight. The target, as they might say, were they that way inclined, is in sight.

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Sitting here, contemplating.

Digg this

On occasion I have taken my PDA with me to the little boys' room and added the, now traditional,

I am having a poo

tag to my blog, whilst actually in the process of active weight loss. The Scatology dieting programme calls for this kind of dedication and, whilst I am not proud of it, a man has to do what a man has to do.

Today is a different sort of day, for today I am working from home. What with having a brand new baby and digging manholes and knocking down walls and the like, I am pretty bloody knackered, but not as tired as Jim who is also up more at night and, if she did not get to rest in the day, would be worn out with all the breast feeding and whatnot. With the (now) middle child having tonsillitis I have elected to stay home and keep watch whilst she gets some much needed rest. And we all know what that means, don't we?

Yes, here I sit, laptop atop my lap, blogging and logging in a frenzy of concurrent activity.

This is not my first visit to Ivor today either. I had a quick spot of weight watching first thing this morning, before I went with the eldest to her school to look at her work with her. That one took me from 195lbs down to a mere 192.2lbs, and now I find myself weighing 194lbs again.

I am having a poo

But then you knew that already, for I am 'Laptop Boy'. I'm suddenly aware that I can't really complete my ablutions and type, so I am afraid that I am going to have to put you down whilst I do some paper work and wash my hands.

I am washing my hands

I now weigh in at 193.1lbs. Not a good weight, I had hoped that this second weight loss break would have brought me closer to my 190lb target. I say hoped, I couldn't really give a monkeys, but what's the point in moving my target down if I am not also going to try and attain it?



See, you don't know, do you?

Monday, 9 July 2007

1.2lbs of concentrated weight loss, despite my recent diet.

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After almost no sleep at all last night, I am wandering around the office in the manner of a drunken hamster's lower intestine, if you know what I mean and I am sure that you do.

I appear to weigh 194.2lbs, which is not too bad at all. Our finance lady has returned from her holidays, looking very brown, so I have someone to chat top as I fiddle around with the scales.

I am having a poo
When I limp back top the exec office the aforementioned finance lady expresses concern that, when I weigh myself for a second time, she knows that I have been for a poo. I apologise but offer, by way of an explanation, the idea that everyone poops, but can understand her argument that generally she doesn't know when they have done it.

I weigh back in at 193lbs, which isn't too bad, given last nights poop was only a few hours ago now.

I appear not to be losing weight any more. I am still a full 3 lbs off my target and I wonder if I need to improve my diet. Perhaps if I eat more I will poo more and weight loss can be achieved?

Sunday, 8 July 2007

An evening visit.

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I am very much a morning weight loss man. Whether this is through custom and practise or just the IBS taking its toll, I would be loathe to speculate, but it has always been the case. Imagine therefore, if you will, my surprise and alarm at having a dieting session, sur le pan, at half ten at night.

This just isn't normal routine for My Lordship. I am tired and in no mood for slimming. I weigh 195.9lbs.

I am having a poo
194.5lbs. Another 1.4lb poop. Given that I had the massive protein fix on Friday and have been 36 hours or so without a visit to Ivor you'd have thought that i'd be better placed to raise the bar.

No matter, I'm off to bed.

Saturday, 7 July 2007

Primary Post Placenta Poop

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Right, I have eaten the placenta, so now it's time to see what comes of it.

Weight loss the scatology way does have dietary elements and here's where the proof of the pudding will be diametrically opposed to the eating. I weigh 193.9lbs

I am having a poo
192.5lbs, a mere 1.4lb poop. I have to be honest, i was expecting far more from the placenta, but peradventure it just hasn't made it's way through yet?

I await my next visit with eager anticipation.

Friday, 6 July 2007

Placenta Party.

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This blog covers weight loss a lot. In fact, scatology based fitness is what we are all about, but we don't often cover diet. Well, we have had the baby and so now it is time to reap the rewards.

Eating the placenta is known as placentophagy. It is practiced by most mammals in the animal world, including many primates. In 2004 we ate this:

The recipe I used at the time was of my own devising, but now I have this to deal with:

Now, as an added motivation to produce a culinary delight from this chunk of Jim's guts, I have vegan friends who have expressed an interest in trying it. I am not a doctor, but I rather fancy that this sort of protein is unlikely to have the most advantageous effect on the stomach of a long-term vegan, so I am going to research some recipes.

There are a myriad of them available on the web, and I am leaning towards a choice few:

Roast Placenta
Placenta Cocktail
Placenta Lasagne
Placenta Spaghetti Bolognaise

The placenta weighs about 1lb, once one has cut the meat away from the membranes with a sharp knife and discarded the membrane.

The major stumbling block I have is that my children are all under six and need to go to bed relatively early, but the eldest is going to be at ballet class until sixish and I only finish work at half five. This means I need to stick to either some form of flambé or pan seared creation or go the whole hog and prepare a casserole on the night before for Jim to pop in the oven on the day. Casserole recipes, here I come.

Before we go any further, I think we need a gratuitous goatse shot of the frozen placenta, just to keep the b3tards happy.

First of all I need to get the main ingredient out of the freezer. It's always better to have your meat fresh, but with the newest Manley child being kept in the neonatal special care unit for a while, it was not practicable, so it needs time to defrost.

I eventually settled on making a variation on Mike Taylor's The Best Beef Casserole of All Time, the primary variation being that I would be substituting beef for human tissue. Mmm! Flesh!

There are certain other considerations to be included. Matthewparker is simply not going to eat placenta. There is no point pretending that he will, because he won't. I think I need a nice glass of wine.

Because of this I need to supply an alternate meal for him and also something for Rowan who is a lacto-ovo piscatarian and, for once, is more of an inconvenience than the vegans to cook for. Sausages and the George Foreman grill seem to be the answer. Veggie sausages for Rowan (since he has offered to supply his own) and Impala sausages for Matthewparker.

Now for the vegan side of things. To avoid using butter to grease the casserole dish I use Pure, which comes with a vegan logo, Omega 3 and 6 and a space hopper on the label. What more could anyone want from an edible grease? Well, tasting less revolting would be a start. My sister tells me that it's very nice once one gets used to it, but frankly I am damned if I want to. I'd rather gargle with lard.

We also cannot use most varieties of wine because, inexplicably, producers include animal products in them. I also eschew vegan stock (for much the same reasons as I would not normally buy Pure) in favour of bitter. I am not sure how vegan or not bitter might be, so I take special care to choose something which has ingredients I understand.

That all sorted (there is no problem with the onions, carrots and mushrooms that I can see) it is time to get the defrosted placenta out of the bag. Of course, if you want to look in more detail at these images, they have a click for big functionality, or you can have a perusal of my flickr stream.

As has been pointed out (apologies to Riverghost for behaving like the editor of Zoo or Nuts here), it's looking rather chuffed with itself.

It looks pretty much as it did when I last saw it, although I was somewhat distracted at that time. Remember the nice glass of wine you saw earlier? No you don't, you remember me saying I'd like a nice glass of wine. What you saw was a nice glass of Jim's blood. Lovely stuff!

Anyway, it's time to sort things out, so I drained the blood, as you can see, and rinsed off the placenta, ready to start butchering. That said, it looks fairly palatable just as it is, don't you think?

Either way, it's time to start getting the meat away from the gristle and tubes. The first job is to get the sack turned inside out so the meat can be seen, which, since there is already a large baby sized hole in it, is no problem.

We need to try and work the main body of the placenta away from the membranes of the sack. If you want to make jokes about the G-Spot then now is the time, it never gets old.

Once it is clear I can set about cutting the placenta away. Is it ironic that, having fed her for 9 months, the placenta, through Jim's milk, will be feeding my youngest again. No, I don't think it is. Never mind.

Once this is done I can finally begin to see proper meat. I know from past experience that the toughest bit has yet to come, but I am still excited to get this far. I am struggling with the mixture of photography and bloody hands now, but I can't let you down now.

The actual meat is very much akin to liver (to some extent the placenta serves a similar service, I suppose) but it is attached to the sack in small chunks, almost like pre-cubed meat seared to a pan.

These are soft, again much like liver, and so cutting them leads to waste and they need to be individually torn from the membrane, which takes a lot of time and a surprising amount of effort.

In amongst the meat are blood clots. Much as I enjoy black pudding, I think we have to draw the line somewhere.

Slowly we go from a complete, trimmed placenta

to a slack handful of waste

and a lovely bowlful of prepared meat

I suppose that we have time for one last gratuitous gore shot before I start cooking

Righty-ho. First grab a nice casserole dish. This was a wedding present from one of my wife's friends' mothers. I reckon that it probably came from Taunton.

As you can see, it has been greased, but not with butter, as mentioned previously. To this I added a small layer of carrots.

Then a layer of Onions (cut into eighths)

The main ingredient

another layer of carrots and some button mushrooms

Some more onions, chopped into eighths, and a good handful of herbs, predominantly oregano, parsley and basil

BEER! (this is getting dull now - I was going to make an animated gif of the casserole being produced, but I just couldn't be bothered in the end. Feel fortunate that I have already dropped five or six stages here)

Oh sod it, then I have a picture of the tomato purée on top and then the tomatoes (my 3 year old has grown quite a crop of tomatoes this year, so well done her) and then I added some pepper and called it a casserole.

So now I pop a lid on it, chuck it in the refrigerator to marinade and leave it for 20 hours or so. Lovely.

When I return to it everything is looking about as perfect as it could be. Jim puts it in the oven for 3 hours at about 140°C whilst I am still labouring away over a hot batch of fresh SEO. When I get home I put on some carrots (although not as many as I had hoped - I shall be boycotting the fruit and veg stall outside St George's market from here on in and suggest that you do the same) and cabbage and then our vegans arrive with a simply massive rhubarb crumble and a sackful of potatoes from their allotment. Logistically this is a major achievement since they have arrived on bicycles.

The spuds go in to boil, I top up the casserole with a smidgen of boiling water and I put on some impala and veggie sausages for the queasy. Where's the damned bottle opener?

The casserole is served. I am short of a chair - well the hell has that gone? I have to go next door to the student house to borrow one - they seem to want an invite, but I find myself disinclined to let on what it is I am having for dinner. Given that I am happy to tell the world I cannot explain this and will later make amends by giving them this url.

Please excuse the invisible children, but you can see that it was well received. In fact all we had left was potatoes at the end of the night. You can see Matthewparker here, clearly not eating placenta. I don't know, what sort of weirdo doesn't chow down on his friend's womb excretions, eh?

Here we can see why butter is better than other greases when it comes to being non-stick. There seemed to be a reluctance to suggest that the meal was anything but normal. Indeed there were many compliments on the cooking, where I expected squirming.

Our vegan friends enjoyed the meat and had no noticeable side effects. I had secretly sort of enjoyed the idea that, after nearly a decade without meat, the protein rush would mess with their bowels, but it was not to be.

I leave you with a photograph of the rhubarb crumble and the knowledge that I won't be doing this again for at least 3 years or so.

All in all, an excellent evening. A light liver taste, very palatable, both my children asked for seconds and Kate was almost aggressive in her demands for more of my wife's flesh. There's a video in the making if ever there was one.

Eventually we all wandered off, slightly drunk and full to the gunnels, a good time had by all.





Manley's Patent Spiced Placenta Fricassée

1 placenta (fresh or frozen)
2 large onions, cut into eighths
4 cloves garlic, crushed
4oz plain flour
tspn Thai 7 spice seasoning
tspn paprika
1 cup water
pinch salt

Heat the oil in a flat bottomed pan
Mix the flour, salt and spices well
Cube the placenta, roll the cubes in the spiced flour and set it aside.
Once the oil is smoking hot, fry the onions and garlic for 2 minutes until they begin to brown
Add spiced placenta cubes and sear for a further minute.
Add water, a little at a time, until the placenta and onions are boiling in a placenta gravy.
Add barley if required, depending on number of guests.
simmer for 8 minutes or until done.

I served this with boiled potatoes, carrots and peas.
It was smashing.


Roast Placenta

1-3lb fresh placenta (must be no more than 3 days old)
1 onion
1 green or red pepper (green will add colour)
1 cup tomato sauce
1 sleeve saltine crackers
1 tspn bay leaves
1 tspn black pepper
1 tspn white pepper
1 clove garlic (roasted and minced)


(Preheat oven to 350 degrees)

1. Chop the onion and the pepper & crush the saltines into crumbs.
2. Combine the placenta, onion, pepper, saltines, bay leaves, white and black pepper, garlic and tomato sauce.
3. Place in a loaf pan, cover then bake for one and a half hours, occasionally pouring off excess liquid.
4. Serve and enjoy!


Placenta Cocktail


1/4 cup fresh, raw placenta
8oz V-8 juice
2 ice cubes
1/2 cup carrot

Method: blend at high speed for 10 seconds. Serve. A tasty thirst quencher!


Placenta Lasagne


1 fresh, ground, or minced placenta,
2 tblspns olive oil
2 sliced cloves garlic
1/2 tspn oregano
1/2 diced onion
2 tblspns tomato paste, or 1 whole tomato

Method: use a recipe for lasagne and substitute this mixture for one layer of cheese. Quickly sauté all the ingredients in olive oil. Serve. Enjoy!


Placenta Spaghetti Bolognaise


1 fresh placenta,
1 tblspn butter
1 large can tomato puree
2 cans crushed pear tomatoes
1 onion
2 cloves garlic
1 tblspn molasses
1 bay leaf
1 tblspn rosemary
1 tspn each of: salt, honey, oregano, basil, and fennel

Method: cut the placenta meat into bite-sized pieces, then brown quickly in the butter and olive oil. Add the rest of the ingredients and simmer for 1-1.5 hours. Serve. Yummy!


It is worth noting that, in the UK, complaints about publishing documentaries about placenta eating have previously been upheld, which I think is worth being amused by.

Oh, and I didn't drink the blood.


Digg this

Tonight we are having a dinner party for 10 friends. This will include placenta casserole.

In other news, I managed, through the scatology weight loss programme, to drop from 194.4lbs to 192.8lbs this morning, which is considerably closer to my ideal weight of 190lbs. This beats dieting any day. I mean, who wants to diet when they can lose weight the easy way?

I will leave this post open as I think I'm bound to have another weight loss session later this morning, what with the work which is going on with my house at the moment and a new baby and all.

I filled an Iveco up with rubble last night and I need to dig a sewage inspection cover out on Saturday and strip the walls (of cladding, shelves, counters, sockets and plaster) as well.

I hope that Jim doesn't kill me until after I have finished.


See, I told you! I now weigh 194lbs.

i am having a poo

191lbs. Yes, that's a 3lb poop, which, in itself, is impressive, but I am also just 1lb off my ideal weight!.

Thursday, 5 July 2007

Diet, diet, diet.

Digg this

It's early in the morning and I have had no sleep at all.

I weigh 194.6lbs.

I poop.

I weigh 193lbs.

I want to go back to bed now, this is about weight loss, not sleep loss.

Wednesday, 4 July 2007

Weight loss through body modification.

Digg this

Well, so far today I have had two weight loss sessions and managed nearly a pound from 199.5lbs down to 198.7 at home and then an exact replica from 198lbs down to 197.2lbs.

I have noticed, however, that I seem to be creeping up towards the 200lb mark again. This leads me to wonder if I am maybe getting a little lax with my diet. I have eaten few peanuts, curries or sweetcorn and have yet to try vbloke's lemon water suggestion at all.

In light of this I thought I would explore a few other avenues to weight loss, in particular removing sections of Manley.

You may or may not know, but I have a few extra holes about my person already, including a 26mm earring, but I wouldn't think that, added up, they amount to more than an ounce at most and the jewlery is certainly heavier than the missing flesh.

I got the idea for this from the newest Manley. She's piling on the pounds, as is right and proper at her stage in life, but she has been shedding excess flesh recently.


came off from here:

So I popped it in alcohol:

and it's all healing nicely now:

The question remains, however: What have I got that I can remove?

I find that I am fairly fond of my limbs and, massive as it might be, I think that I'll keep my old chap for the time being. This leads to an obvious answer. to boot: my hair.

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

It's been a funny old day.

Digg this

It's my mother's birthday, so I shall go out for lunch, but first I need to have a poo. If I am going to maintain my weight loss in line with my dieting, programme without proper management of my calorific intake, then I need to manage some superb turdage.

I weigh 195.2lbs, which I scrawl in purple on the blackboard and settle down to attend to the serious business of shedding those extra pounds.

I am having a poo

Grasping the purple chalk in my grubby (well, actually clean since I have just washed my hands, for the obvious reasons) mitts, I weigh myself again. That's 193.2lbs (I am going to assume that the purple chalk (more lilac than mauve) has a mass which can be discounted from calculations).

A 2lb poop before I even get dressed, what's not to like?


There is almost nobody at work today, it seems. I received orchids in the post this morning, which was nice, but now I need another poop.

According to the body fat measuring scales in the exec office, which can work out my weight, my margin from my ideal weight, my body fat, my BMI and all manner of other dieting data in kg, lbs, stone and possibly carrots, and which I use to weigh myself on, I am 197.4lbs pre-weightloss.

I am having a poo

196.4lbs. What conveniently round weights my poops are today. I have been watching this chap counting to 1000000 today and also playing this excellent game from meehawl.com:

Monday, 2 July 2007


Digg this

Well, I tried having a couple of portions of prunes and a tin of mandarin oranges at bed time (and a few cheese sandwiches to boot) to see what effect they might have on my morning weight loss programme.

I delight in the taste of prunes, but these were a bit iffy. I can however only assume that a decent bout of dysentery can do nothing but good for my weight loss regime. Unintended Bulimia is dangerous, kids. Don't try this at home.

I weigh 194.8lbs
I am having a poo

192.9lbs - 1.9lbs of number two. It sounds like a lot, but compared to the nigh on six pounder I managed over the weekend it is pitiful.

I have to rush as it is almost time for school, I shall complete this post at work, in my tea break.


An interesting morning, for work related reasons which I shall not bore you with here, leads me to weighing myself in the Exec Office once again. The office teen asks me to change the scales to lbs and stone when I have finished weighing as she does not weigh herself in just lbs. She utterly fails to grasp the point when I reply by asking her to change it to just lbs when she has finished weighing herself as I do not use stone. "Yeah, but I want it on stones, I weigh myself in stones". I fear for the future generations. I weigh 197.4lbs after some rather super bran flakes and many cups of tea.

I am having a poo

On the subject of future generations, I have to register my new daughter today. Names are all sorted (and I am not allowed to give her the middle name 'Danger', as in 'Danger is my middle name' under threat of divorce) so I am trying to think of a good profession for myself. Internet weirdo is a current favourite, or maybe '1337 H4XX0R!!1!eleventy!1!' I weigh back in at 196.8lbs.

Sunday, 1 July 2007

Curry bum.

Digg this

I have the most appalling stomach this morning. Quite apart from having a small child and half of my home demolished, I had many beers and more than plenty of curry last night, followed by the single most suptuous pudding possible, the recipe for which I shall endeavour to obtain during the course of today.

Either way, my visit to Ivor this morning was a mini adventure. I weighed myself on my specialist scatologist dieting scales and found that, pre-weight loss activity, I tipped in at 195lbs.
I am having a poo
Graphic descriptions of the poop itself notwithstanding, I find that after an Indian takeaway (from Curry Corner in Cowick Street, St Thomas. Possibly the best delivered takeaway Indian I have had. The curries were all exceptional (We ordered a lamb tikka masala, a chicken balti, a chicken tikka masala, a dozen poppadoms, a couple of saag aloos, 8 pilau rices, a mushroom rice, a house special chicken and lamb curry, a chicken passanda, a vegetable korma (actually they spell it kurma, but it tasted like a korma to me?) a chicken korma (same nuance applies) and five peshwari naans.), but the naan breads were sadly rubbish, which as I saved them for pudding was a disappointment. Also one of the saag aloos came with the lid upside down, with boiled rice in it. I can only extrapolate that the kitchen had a lid with both order on it and made an error. The downside to this was that the rice had saag aloo written in mirror writing on the rice itself in purlpe felt-tip pen (sharpie for the Merkins amongst you),I weigh 193.2lbs. That's 1.8lb poop, which isn't too shoddy.


I have spent a really unpleasant hour at the church controlling my guts and have appalling wind. I have just cycled home for a quick dieting number two. I find I weigh 197.8lbs, which can be attributed only to a small wafer thin bread disc and a tiny glass of wine and maybe a little toothpaste. It is strange how I seem to get heavier during the day even without eating.
I am having a poo
197.7lbs, a 0.1lb poop. Pathetic. Right, time to go wring the bells for St Thomas's day.


Well, that went well. I am off to Haldon for a bit of downhill and singletrack now.


Well that went bloody well too! Not worth blogging about, not relevant to dieting, weight loss, the scatology programme or anything else, but I had a fantastic time and wanted to say so.

So I have.