Sunday, 2 September 2007

Schrodinger scat

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Last night I had an unusual poo. It's obvious to me that my blog is becoming a little stayed - there is only so much one can write about turds before one hits the law of diminishing returns like a rounders ball hitting the back of a fat kid's head, and it's no use pretending it won't happen or saying that it's their own fault for looking at the pie van instead of concentrating on the game, because the ball's got blood on it and nobody wants to bowl.

I was sitting around, doing some of my wife's work for her and thinking about very little except that I really should not be awake at 3 in the morning. I shut down the laptop and wandered, bleary eyed, to the bathroom for a wee before sleep.

Midway through my urination, which was done seated for reasons of imbibement and tiredness, I let out a small pocket of flatulence, as one is prone to do in these circumstances. To my horror I realised that this might prove to be more fruitful than a mere whizzpop and I had to shuffle forwards to reach the scales, pull them over to me, press them and wait 30 seconds for them to carry out their self calibration routine and then shuffle forwards onto the scales themselves, all the time clenching like a fool.

The sad end to this was that I weighed 194.9lbs, but was still unsure as to whether this was going to end in a solid result or if it was merely hot air. I let out the most rip-roaring panshaker imaginable (and I'm pretty good at imagining the sound of bum-gas) and was still left unaware.

Until the moment that I wiped, and thus observed the situation, I was unaware as to whether or not the pan was filled. During the period whilst I was stting, considering the situation, the pan actually existed in a state of poo-filled and poo-free simultaneously.

How cool is that?

I weigh 194.1lbs

2 comments:

Ed said...

This raises an interesting scientific question, relating to the inevitable onesies that always accompanies the motherlode. Viz. how much of your poo weight-loss may in fact be attributable to urination?

I suggest a series of experiments involving a lemonade bottle and the phrase "sequestered wazz".

Lord Manley said...

Indeed, this post highlights the problem well, since I had urinated before I weighed myself. on this occasion.

I toyed, at one stage, with the idea of urinating, then weighing myself and then defecating.

The reality of walking to the lavatory this many times and the fact that I intend to keep this up for a full year helped me decide that I didn't really give a toss.