Thursday, 3 January 2008

Having a poo

Digg this

What I weigh must reflect what I eat, so today I thought I would take a look at this.

I weigh 202lbs, which is unacceptably heavy, but then I did have mayonnaise and Jaffa Cake sandwiches last night.

I am having a poo

I weigh 199.4lbs.

Every day I have the same thing for lunch. The quantity varies, but I have noodles every single working day. Yesterday I had 4 packets, but I normally only have two. As I did a walk-through of how to skin a rabbit and preparing placenta casserole, I thought I'd do one for noodles:

As I say, I have noodles every day. Jim tries to convince me that I need a more varied diet, but her selections (such as the ever delicious looking 'Mixed Vegetable Savoury Rice') do not match up to the convenience and MSG-goodness of instant noodles.

These take far too long to cook and, more importantly, bear the legend "fewer vegetables, still satisfying", which would put me off any foodstuff. I mean, really!

As you can see, even the word 'Noodles' cannot resist these delicious chicken flavoured delights.

Manley does not slurp them in this manner however. Not for my lordship, the delights of the longer noodle. Oh no, I like to crush them into tiny pieces and eat them as if they were a soup.

Once thoroughly crunched up, the noodles are mixed, dry, in a tupperware container. I always use the same pot as the noodle powder stains the tupperware in a most unattractive manner. Today I am having chicken chow-mein.

In go the flavours. Note the professional twin grip application method I employ:

Next we add hot water. Contemporary wisdom tells me to use the kettle, but I am a very busy man, so I tend to go with the 'hot water tap' school of noodle hydration.

Next we give the whole shebang a swift stir and pop it in the microwave.

Except that Mutant George is in there. Oh what a wacky lot we Search Consultants are, eh?

Out comes George

In go the noodles

and on goes the microwave. 1 minute on high should do it.

I note that the microwave is getting a bit dirty and wonder who I can get to clean it for me. Hmmm.

A minute is an annoying amount of time - what can I do that only takes a minute?

Look out of the window at the Christmas lights?

Hmm that wasted a brief moment.

Halfway through and I have already wasted 'looking out of the window'.

The sink isn't really as pretty as the tree. Still not quite there though.

The microwave really does need cleaning. Anyway, I'm bored now, so I am going to open the microwave early. Sadly all this entails is a quick stir,

and then back in for another minute.

Hmm, the microwave really is filthy. It definitely needs a clean. Now what can I find to do for a minute?

I suppose that I could clean the microwave. Or I could eat a muffin?

Mmm! Muffins!

Ooh! It's done!

And here is the cooked final piece.

Now, here is where I make the final twist which turns this average snack into the busy consultant's dream foodstuff.

Cold water.

This allows me to eat my noodles almost instantly, cutting a chunk out of my lunch hour and getting me back to my desk that little bit faster.

It looks delicious, doesn't it? Now for the taste test:

Now that hits the spot!

Noodly perfection.

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