Wednesday, 31 October 2007


Digg this

I weigh 196.4lbs and I have no time to stop and chat.

I am having a poo

I can only assume, gentle reader, that I am not alone in being slightly dicky in the old tummy department this morning. Every cubicle on the first and second floors is occupied, including the disabled facilities, and I had to travel still further up the building to find a porcelain haven.

I weigh 193.4lbs, but I feel that there is more to come.

In addition to this I have a case of singulus, which is annoying everyone within a three mile radius.


I now weigh 196lbs and again, the need for relief is too embracing to warrent further discussion.

I am having a poo

194.6lbs - not bad at all.

Not bad at all.

Monday, 29 October 2007

Sunday, 28 October 2007

Nobody told Manley!

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As you are no doubt aware, I am a keen campanologist. Yesterday we went 'quadding' for Benji's 30th. This was considerably better than I was expecting.

After a short run around a loop, with officials slowing me down on every bend and downslope, during which time my heart plummeted in the sad knowledge that this would be dull, we then went on 'safari'.

We lined up in a vague order of competence, which mostly involved 'who got there first' and set off. It was fun skidding on the gravel (I had no brakes at all) but it was flat and fairly boring for the first half mile or so, but the I found the first drop, only about a foot, but still big enough to make my loin tender upon landing, and then we were into the woods.

From there on in it was roots and berms, drops and jumps, puddles and streams and joy.

The chap in front of me, a speleologist named Glen, rode headlong into a tree, went out over the bars, and had to be removed across the back of an instructors quad, head streaming blood where he had hit another tree whilst in flight.

It all ended too soon and we had an organised competition where, thanks to penalty points, I managed to lose by around 15 minutes (I sort of cheated a little, you see) ad then we went for dinner at the Dinosaur Café.

I weigh 194.1lbs.

I am having a poo

191.7lbs. I may still be a little overweight, but Benji is now OLD!

Here are the Muppets' three most gifted singers.

Saturday, 27 October 2007

Quads but no triplets, quite.

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This is a busy weekend. First of all the children are very ill, which leads to no sleep at all, then I have a floor sander which I need to finish the kitchen floor with as I cannot afford to re-hire it any time soon and lastly I have to go out partaking in an activity described as 'Quad Biking', with flagrant disregard to the meaning of the prefix 'bi'.

Hahah! Poo!

Young Tinium is 30 on Sunday, and birthdays of this nature need to be celebrated, but I could honestly do with a few more hours sleep and some time to do the floor.

At the moment I am performing child care duties, while Jim buys a gift for a friend's child who is also having a birthday this Sunday.

I hope I get the damned floor done in time now.

I weigh 193.2lbs

I am having a poo

I weigh 191.8lbs and it is time to change a nappy.

Friday, 26 October 2007

Who's pooing? We're all pooing!

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There's no reason for this at all, I just happen to be singing it in my head and want to share it with you.

If you are reading my blog then the chances are that you live in a similar area of tintermawebs as I do and thus know all about Joel and his animations. In fact, ninja was all over the BBC last year after Coke commissioned a commercial which ripped it off, but either way, right now I am singing Winners by 7secondsoflove who are playing at Moles on 17th November. Be there or be, well, banned from going out to a club on the night of your wife's birthday party, I guess.

Clearly I am substituting the word 'winning' for 'poo', as I weigh 192.7lbs.

I am having a poo

I weigh 189.2lbs, nearly a pound below my ideal weight. Hah! In your face Anna!

If anyone cares, everyone here is still ill, so I am in bed for the second day this week! Who wants to touch me?

Thursday, 25 October 2007

58 hours later . . .

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And I finally managed a poo.

I weighed myself at 196.2lbs, had a poo and then hit the scales at 195.5lbs, one porcelain press-up later.

However, learned friends, since chez Manley looks pretty much precisely like this at the moment, I thought that I should warn those of you I work closely with, those of you with children and Dave, because he loves family guy. Also, being an the attention whore, I thought that I'd tell the world, (or at least my couple of thousand readers, all avidly avoiding work), through the medium of blogging.

Everyone seems well when they are not actually puking, (indeed, after dealing with distressed children and buckets of hurl until 0430hrs, I am a little irritated that the wee darlings are now tearing around the house and stuffing their faces with cornflakes), but it's seriously unpleasant when they are and my poor washing machine is fit to burst with bedding.

Anyway, just a warning and a morning track which, since I was going to the Wurzels tonight, before they moved it to the Longbrook and the kids began projectile vomitting, is 'Morning Glory' by that self same band of Somerset fools.

A policeman's lot is an exhausting one.

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

Our survey says . . .

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No poo!

Unless something drastic happens in the next 45 seconds, I reckon we can write Wednesday off as a no-poo day.

[Update: It's tomorrow and still no poo!]

Monday, 22 October 2007

Banned from blogrush!

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You may have previously noted a small Blogrush widget down there, on the right =>

Blogrush supply a little flash blogroll which is contextually related to the content on the post you are viewing and is thus a tidy way to find relevant information with absolutely zero work from My Lordship.

Sadly I have been excluded from using the widget for the following bizarre reason:

My content is "too violent".

I don't remember any violence at all, ever.

Anyway, I was brought up to believe that violence was golden, if I remember correctly, but I may be wrong.

I weigh 192.8lbs

I am having a poo

I weigh 191.6lbs. I must go to work now.


I weigh 194.4lbs, where does all the weight come from when all I do is sit around?

I am having a poo

I weigh 193.4lbs.

I do like a nice round one pound poo. It feels tidier, somehow.

Sunday, 21 October 2007

Finishing the floor laying.

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Just so you know, this is not intended to be a tutorial on laying floorboards, merely a description of how I laid my floorboards.

Last night the girls and I prepared a little box with a picture drawn by the children, a current coin and a description of who we are and what we were doing. This morning the box is safely beneath the floor and I hope it stays there for many years. When I concreted in the old drain I put a shoe under the concrete with a message in the toe, after I dug one up in a 15th century cob house once and it struck me as interesting.

I closed my note, which described where the wood was grown and when I laid it, with the words 'and now you're bloody ripping it all back up again, you sods.'

Anyway, I know what I am doing now, so I'd better get on with it, especially as I am on my own today.

This is much the same as yesterday, I am still using the same wedging method and it's going very well, although I can see that when I get to the wall I am not going to be able to continue with the wedges, for obvious reasons.

Being Manley, I choose to ignore this problem until I come to it.

A problem ignored is a problem bodged

When I do reach the wall it is a simple matter of cutting a piece to fit. I wedge and nail the board before the penultimate span (What is the word for penpenultimate anyway?) and then place a span down loose.

The wall is far from straight at this wall, so I measure the space every 6" or so and cut the curve out of a wide board before laying in place, again with approimately 2mm of growth space.

All done

Now all I need to do is the sanding. That's for next weekend.

For now, I weigh 200.1lbs.

I am having a poo

And now 199.9lbs. Please note that I am wearing enormous steel toe-capped boots here.

And so to bed.

Saturday, 20 October 2007

Floor laying 101

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This weekend, despite massive amounts of work which still need doing, I shall be devoting all of my time to laying a floor.

I have recently finished building the extension to my kitchen and it's time to get the Western Hemlock down on the floor, since I had it delivered back in September.

First off, I have decided to fill some of the larger holes in the floor with concrete. Since this will only be under the floor I am using up what I have available, so I make sure that the old man-hole (which still has a drain below it) the two ancient soil pipes and the washing machine soak-away are properly finished and then mix up whatever I have lying around, which amounts to some never-set slab mix, some pre-mixed mortar, loads of cement, some of the awful white gravel from the garden (which was here when I moved in) and a couple of shovelfuls of sand from the children's sandpit.

Do I own too many white goods?

When this is good and grey I chuck it in the trenched left from removing the walls and call that good enough for government work. I did this last thing on Friday night, along with emptying the kitchen into my living room, with the exception of the cooker, so that I can start first thing on Saturday morning.

This concrete is too strong a mix for any other use

The joists have come from Haldon Forest, as did the rough-hewn Western Hemlock planks. The FC asked me if I could dispose of the unsightly pile of beams in their turning bay and I was happy to oblige.

It is not clear in the photographs, but there turned out to be 10 inches less than I needed, which saved me hundreds of pounds, as well as helping out the Forestry. Everyone is a winner. I laid out the joists, and my father and I vaguely worked out where the highest point in the floor was, using a plank across the beams, and started work from there.

Traditional 16" centres have made way for 400mm in recent years.

One at a time, we laid the beams down, making sure that joins were not matched, and packed them out to our level. I used some really rather costly anchors, which have a built in, rawl plug, meaning that we could drill a hole through the timbers and the concrete and then just hammer and screw the fixings straight down.

Additionally we got some window spacers from Spike which I have no idea of the cost of yet, but which were useful enough for this task that I doubt I shall be upset when I do find out.

13" apart and parallel as railway tracks. ish

As we got closer to the area where the three main original floors meet (the old outside toilet, the yard and the existing kitchen) the floor fell away by 4 or 5 inches in places, but I had plenty of timber for the purpose.

Once all the main joists were down, I laid boards upon them. Whilst it was unavoidable in many instances it made good sense to lay the joists so that a full plank would fall midway across them to reduce waste.

Here you can see, on the left, where an extra support has been laid to account for the indentation of the doorway and also, on the right, an extra support in the high traffic area just inside the French windows. This is mirrored at the doorway through to the living room and also under the sink where the washing machine will be.

The quality of my counter support should not go unnoticed.

Once this was done it was time to lay boards. The first span went down with an approximate 2mm gap from the sides to allow for growth (many moons ago, another Lord Manley split an iron trailer in half when the decking outgrew the welds) and after that the planks were tightly butted up against one another.

I find blacksmiths' cut nails extraordinarily beautiful

As the planks are rough hewn there is a choice now facing me: plane the edges of the boards for a tight fit or crimp them together. Jim is of the opinion that a rustic look is best suited to our Edwardian house and I agree. Planing isn't a huge job with my machine, so it's not a matter of idleness. In truth, the crimping will be a much greater job, especially as some of the planks will need to be planed a little anyway, but if it is too square and perfect it will stand out in a house where everything is a little wobbly.

Look at the wedge on THAT!

After an initial run with wedges between the boards and a fulcrum screwed to the supports, I moved on to a spacing beam. This method is slow, but works well. Sadly there is only so much time available in a day and, not wanting to upset the neighbours, I stop.

Splinter world of adventure

I'll try and get it finished tomorrow. In the mean time, I know what you came here for. I weigh 192.6lbs.

I am having a poo

I weigh 191.9lbs. Not that impressive after such a day's graft.

Right, I'm off to play tight-rope walkers with the children. Have a lovely night.

Friday, 19 October 2007

Holy crap!

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There's nothing I can say to prepare you for this.

You'll remember my previous 7.2lber and will have been filled with shocked awe?

It's nothing. Nothing at all.

I weighed 197.3lbs when I woke up this morning.

I went for a poo

I now weigh 189.5lbs. That's more than 7lbs 14oz of weight loss. greater than 140oz.

Damn, that's huge - bigger than the baby.

No witticisms, no anecdotes, just the cold fact that I did the largest poo I have ever done.

Thursday, 18 October 2007

Quantity over quality for weight loss

Digg this

I weigh 194.7lbs.

I am having a poo

I weigh 193.2lbs

I am having a cup of tea

I weigh 193.4lbs.

I am having a poo

I weigh 193.2lbs.

I am having lunch

I weigh 195.4lbs

I am having a poo

I weigh 193.2lbs

3 poos in a row, all ending with the same result. What a waste of cubicle time.

I got run over on the way home.

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As I was riding down the road a group of winos were shouting and causing a fuss on the pavement. A massive white refrigeration van pulled down, out of a hotel car park, right in front of me. In his defence, there's nothing beyond him down the road except for a couple of cycle lanes and a turning bay, but it does go on for 40 yards or so before them.

He was distracted by the winos and pulled out right in front of me. I locked up, turned sideways and prepared to hit him, at which point he decided that he might be able to accelerate out of my path, but only succeeded in moving forward at a speed which meant that he ran my bike over.

He stopped and was apologetic, I wasn't cross, it was an accident and he was distracted, but I needed to get details as my bars and my rear mech are buggered, but I had no problem with him, accidents do happen.

What I had a problem with is the winos who surrounded us and shouted at me and jeered and kept shouting that it was my fault and that 'roads are for cars' and that I 'hit his van' and 'he is allowed to pull out'.

"We'll be waiting for you in the underpass' they finished, so I went over it instead.

The driver had a good excuse to deny culpability, with mob opinion being so firmly on his side, but thankfully he was reasonable, knew that he was to blame and we sorted details out amiably and went on our way.

Two of my colleagues cycled past and waved to me and I have arranged to take my bike in to the shop tomorrow. I need new bars and forks at the least and am a bit peeved as I have got nicer bars than I am likely to get in return. (They are top of the range for 1987, but a modern equivalent will be poor and I won't get a top of the range modern set as they aren't comparable.

I've had the bike since my parents gave it to me for coming top of my year in my Common Entrance and I'm a little gutted.

I wrote this as a claim, I have very little idea about these things, so if you know what I am doing wrong then please let me know:

Dear Sir / Madam,

Further to my telephone conversation of October 17th, I enclose details of the collision and a quote for repairs or replacement, as requested.

On October 17th, 2007, I was knocked from my bicycle by your client, <name of firm>’s White Ford Transit Van, registration <VRN>, at the South end of <Road>, when the driver, <Name of driver>, pulled out from a hotel car park without seeing me.

I was wearing a helmet, with lights fitted, a jacket with reflective trim and my bicycle was displaying powerful steady lights, front and back, as well as a flashing red LED light in the rear wheel.

<Name of driver>, by his own admission, did not see me, as he was distracted by a group of pedestrians and pulled out approximately 7’ ahead of me as I proceeded down <Road> towards the underpass.

I immediately saw the transit van which, whilst it did not have its lights on, was visible, and I rang my bell and shouted in alarm, upon which I saw <Name of driver> notice my approach and accelerate, presumably to try and clear my path, but it was too late and the rear driver’s side corner of the transit van caught my front wheel, throwing me from the bicycle and into the van and my bicycle passed under the van’s rear wheel.

<Name of driver> apologised and supplied these details:

<All the insurance details here>

I immediately telephoned a local bike shop, Sidwell Cycles in Exeter, and arranged for them to take my bicycle as the handlebars and forks were damaged to a point where I could not sensibly continue my commute home and the rear mech was not operating. They have supplied me with a cheap courtesy bicycle whilst mine is off the road.

Once I had arranged this I gave <Name of driver> directions to the <Name of driver's destination> Industrial Estate and attempted to cycle to Sidwell Cycles, although the broken rear mech prevented me from doing so and I had to give up and wheel my bicycle.

<Name of driver> was polite and apologetic and I understand that this was a genuine accident, but whilst I am only a little bruised the damage to my bicycle is quite extensive and I am keen to have this dealt with swiftly as I commute to work by bicycle and am currently having to make do with a much heavier hired machine.

I shall forward a quote for replacement or repair (hopefully the latter, I love my bike!) as soon as Sidwell Cycles provide it. The police incident number for the collision, should you require it, is <incident number>.

Yours Faithfully,

etc., etc.

Anyway, I'll write up my poo when I have it.

Wednesday, 17 October 2007

The pride of poo.

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Well, I haven't actually, I'm just including a rather nice picture by The magic of chutney, but I weigh 193.5lbs and so I might be about to.

I am having a poo

I now weigh 191.3bs, so it was nothing much, a mere 2.2lber beside the glory of a 7.2lber pales into insignificance.

I have done a single poo once, which stuck up above the level of the seat as a single pillar of faeces, from the bend and up, out of the water, without touching the sides.

We had guests, so I summoned them to behold the wondrous sight. Surprisingly 'Godfather' James has visited since.

As an addendum, I was sent this by Matthewparker and it amused me.

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Wasp Box's Zoological turd.

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The lovely Wasp Box went to the new Gorilla Kingdom enclosure at London zoo on Saturday.

His intention was to save up a nice big poo for his visit and he went along hoping for a set of those huge 20p scales one gets in railway stations and some posher public conveniences. Sadly it seems that none of these existed.

Gorillas are the largest of all primates, with an adult male weighing between 350-600 pounds (157-273kg) and slightly smaller adult females weighing in between 150-300 pounds (66-136kg) and, to demonstrate this to the hapless lighter hominids who like to think that we are superior, there is a set of digital scales so that you can compare your weight to that of the male gorilla.

Waspy, in his brilliance, saw this and leapt upon it, no doubt casting young naturalist hopefuls asunder in his drive for scatological innovation and the greater cause of weight loss. "I tried it out and came up as 70kg (compared to the gorilla's 175kg)" he tells me, and who am I to doubt him?

Having spent quite enough of his visit admiring the gorillas' bored, vacant looks as they lay around not doing anything, Waspy took the time to visit to the nearest lavatories, then nipped back in to Gorilla Kingdom and hopped back on the scales to find that he was now 69kg.

"I did not feel like I had shed a kilogram of poo and fear the scales were not very accurate. However, I do not know the average weight of an adult human's poop".

Well, we know, don't we, and that's far from inconceivable. I have been looking for some famous or talented guest poos, but I think that amusing poo locations would be every bit as valid. Well done Mr Wasp Box. Well done and thank you.


For the purists, I weigh 194lbs, on the money.

I am having a poo

And now I weigh 192.2lbs. Bigger, but less interesting than Wasp

You can buy Gorilla Poo, out of interest.

Monday, 15 October 2007

Manic Monday.

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No really, it's just insane here.

I am rushed off my feet and, to cap it all, my telephone is broken.

When I go out in the boat (or, indeed, the canoe) I drop it into a condom, tie a knot, wrap it 'round again and then tie another knot. Yesterday when I fell in I appear to have split the condom (yes, yes!) and now the damned thing keeps just turning off and on again and is utterly knackered.

So I need a new 'phone AND weigh 192.6lbs.

I am having a poo

189.2lbs. It seems that being ill is doing wonders for my waistline.


I just had the smallest stabbed with needles in each leg at the health centre. She laughed at the first injection and murmured something along the lines of 'murngmm' at the second, before smiling again. Bless her cottons.

I came back to work find that I have a tie from Wales.

I weigh 196.4lbs, even if I am making an odd face. Rowan asked me to say 'Penis' for the shot, and I can only presume that I am on the 'P'.

I am having a poo

I weigh 194.2lbs and I am too busy to tell you about it, so instead here are some tiny pigs which my girls think ace.

Sunday, 14 October 2007


Digg this

I took my new (freecycle) canoe down to the river with my boat. The canoe does have a small leak, but I think it'd take around 2 hours to become a problem. It also has a back strap which is far too small for my fat arse, so I'd not like to get stuck upside down in her.

I also fell in.

I tried to get in, sat on the strap, lost it a bit, got the nautical equivalent of disco-leg and went under. This was good in a way as I was then able to justify swimming along beside my 6 year old whilst she failed to really get the hang of paddling but thoroughly enjoyed herself.

We also took the newest (4 months today) Manley for a row down the canal and the river and towed the 6 year old along for a mile or so in the canoe, tied to the back of my walker bay. 'Godfather' James came along and supplied a paddle (I need to buy one and also to mend the fibreglass in a couple of spots, but the canoe is entertaining), and all was well.

Now I am drinking some rather nice 8.5% Robinson's Old Tom ale and cooking a silver side joint. I love messing around with my family. If only I had more money my life would be completely ace.

They tell me that money cannot buy me happiness, and they are right, but I already have happiness, I just need some money to get rid of the misery.

Happy Birthday Mr Dagnall.

Digg this

It's an important day for the under sevens, chez Manley.

Today is Primary Ballet Certificate day.

It doesn't actually mean anything, their actual primary exam is next month and today is just about gleaning a few more precious pounds from the mitts of hard up scatology dieters, but it's just as important when one is six.

What it means to me is that, following yesterday's paper-maché birthday party, I have to scrub the child halfway to the bone to prepare her.

Yesterday morning started with a poo and ballet practice. I met my foster brother on the bridge on the way home, who I haven't seen for a couple of years. He's off to Grand Canaria, but I hope to see him when he returns. It's strange to think that he's a full grown man now. Even the youngest of the foster children must be old enough to drink now. I am an old man! In the tower on Campanology Thursday, one of the ringers was celebrating his birthday and there is a chap in there who was born when I was 19. I could be his father (although his mother assures me that I am not).

Anyway, I digress. I've finished ballet practise and am now off to a paper-maché party. This is a great plan. Ben from our excellent local Exeter independent bike shop is plastering all the walls of his new house, so the place is fairly chaotic anyway and there is nothing likely to be spoiled by paper-maché or paint, so the children could do pretty much as they liked. I knew nobody there at all (Ben was working) apart from his wife, who I have only met a few times in passing, but the girls loved it.

In fact we only had time to go to Sainsburys and buy raspberry beer and some Old Tom before bed.

This morning I weigh 193 lbs, on the nose.

I am having a poo

190.1lbs, eh? Interestingly (well, probably not) I weighed 193lbs naked, yet 190.1lbs in my new Sainsbury pants (not as good as Tesco ones), so I might have been on my ideal weight if I had only remained in the buff.

Either way, it's time for child scouring if I am to remove all the paint and flour paste and get her hair slicked back in the appropriate fashion. Damn, but it's a nonsense.

Have fun my readers and please, don't throw bricks at railway carriages, it's just stupid.



I weigh 189.8lbs and desperately need to lose more weight!

I am having another poo

188.8lbs. Nice weight to be, another pound lost AND lucky for the Chinese.

What a super day!

Ballet practise and birthday parties.

Digg this

Early start today, I have to take the eldest to ballet practise as she has her certification examination tomorrow.

We walk to ballet, but I have been feeling a bit better recently, so I am going to try driving to the party this afternoon.

I weigh 198.1lbs

I am having a poo

191.8lbs. That's quite neat. Sort of a numerical Spoonerism. 8.1 to 1.8. No, not a Spoonerism, maybe a palindromic weight? Either weigh (phnarr!) I lost 6.3lbs to the porcelain exercise machine this morning.

Woo me! I'm not sure that this works, so I might not bother finishing it, but:

Friday, 12 October 2007

I have built a lock pick.

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But I haven't had a chance to use it yet, except on the server case, which is hardly secure anyway.

I weigh 196.8lbs in Ellie Precious's hat. (It's a beret!)

I am having a poo

195lbs, on the nose.

Being ill isn't helping with the project. I really need to get better before I can really be funny again. In the interim I have put out feelers for some guest bloggers to weigh their poo, I am considering a few poo tours, pooing on the road, as it were, and here is a picture of Patrick moore playing the moosiphone:

Thursday, 11 October 2007

Almost nothing to report.

Digg this

First thing this morning I weighed 194.2lbs, and now I weigh 193.2lbs.

This labyrinthitis is playing with my brain a bit, so you'll have to wait until I am better for 'witty'.

Campanology Thursday went well and this book is amusing.

Here's Gordon Brown as a Billy Bear sliced meat I made last night. One thing about insomnia, you get a lot of opportunities to turn politicians into a tasty snack.

Wednesday, 10 October 2007


Digg this

Very ill.

194.9 => 194.5

Going back to bed.

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

To poo or not to poo?

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Well, in fact, two poos! Yay!

First thing this morning I weigh a Rodinesque 194.6lbs.

I went for a poo

And then, as if by magic, I weighed a mere 193.6lbs. That's a pound of pure Bavarian effluent.

Now I weigh 196.6lbs, which means I have only put on 3lbs all day.

I am having a poo

192.6lbs! A 4lb poo!

Monday, 8 October 2007

Rabbit casserole.

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As you no doubt already know, we had rabbit for dinner last night. Well, the nature of family cooking is such that, although there were 7 of us for quail eggs and rabbit casserole, there was still enough to bung in the slow cooker for a splendid meal this evening as well.

One of the things which has come out of this is that a much larger number of people than I had imagined have never really dealt with dead animals.

For me, hares, rabbits, pheasants and ducks were a normal part of life and, whilst I love them alive, I also was aware of where meat came from and accepted it from before I can remember with a level of equanimity.

My own three children are all used to dead animals (well, that's pushing it a little with the three month old, but I'm confident about the elder two). They love live animals and recognise that the dead ones are just a shell which is food, which the live animal used to live in.

I think that rabbits are sad for them when they first see them (kids love fluffy things, although I do try to teach them that being pretty doesn't make something's life more valid) but they are interested in the process.

I show them how tendons work and how to skin a carcass but, whilst I let them experiment with pulling tendons to see how the leg work, or whatever, I never let them 'play' and I think they have picked up on the respect for the animal. This is important to me, I kill to eat and I do have to butcher in an objective manner and there is no place for sympathy, but there is still a need for respect. I have met people who enjoy the act of killing, but I find it unhealthy. For me, it's just the procedure required to produce the food.

In light of all of this, I thought I'd do a little tutorial on preparing rabbit. There are plenty available, but I have my own idiosyncrasies and I want to share them, so here we go.

First of all you need rabbits. Rabbits are best fresh, but if, like this time, you get 9 at once then some of them have to be frozen. If you do freeze them then hang them for as long as you want before freezing and then defrost immediately before preparing. I only hang them for a couple of days as I don't like my meat too ripe, but these have come from someone else and have hung a little longer than that.

For the sake of this post I shall only be preparing one rabbit, so let's go for the closer of the two.

When shooting, one guts the animal in the field. Personally I carry a small, double bladed knife, which I slit the rabbit down the stomach with, as soon as I have shot it, being careful not to cut too deeply and perforate anything. I then cut a hole in one leg and pass the other through it, for ease of carrying/hanging.

For myself, I then remove everything I can from the body cavity. As you can see, the chap who shot these left some sweetmeats behind. For myself I always discard these, but it is a matter of personal preference, like giblets in chicken.

Now it's time to get to work. Since it's been hanging for some time you aren't about to get covered in blood here, but don't wear your school uniform. You'll need some tools. I use a cleaver for, well, cleaving, a small knife for cutting, a large knife for filleting and a pair of military medical scissors left over from my time as a medic. The scissors are, perhaps, irregular, but I find they are excellent (I use them for slicing bacon for coddle and such as well).

The first job is to elongate the existing cut. Once this is done one pushes the hind legs back into the body like taking a cardigan off a baby, so that the knees shoe through the incision.

From here it is quite a manual job to pull the legs through. The skin will detach at the ankle by itself, so you are left with a rabbit wearing socks.

The feet have no use beyond reported good luck when worn as an amulet, but I hold no truck with that, so off they come and, after a quick demonstration of tendons, they go onto the newspaper.

Now many purists will pick holes in my methods, but I skin rabbits in order to get meat and for no other reason, so there are short cuts which I deem worth taking. With this in mind I gather up the fur and, gently but firmly, I ease it away from the spine. Once I have a decent lifted section I use the scissors or a knife (I used a knife this time, but there is nothing to choose between them) to cut the tail away from the carcass.

We get the opportunity to stay on topic for the blog here as it's time to cut out any innards from the lower abdomen. I always find it interesting the differences in animal's processing of foods.

Cows have their multiple stomachs, birds have their quite remarkable crops, eggs growing within pheasants are like Russian dolls, so that if one has a bird out of season (road-kill, for example - I do not poach ever and not just in the 'Oh no, I don't do that sort of thing' way, I really don't approve of shooting out of season, you simply should not do it) then there are a series of gradually smaller eggs inside the hen bird.

For rabbits the thing which always amazes me is how their colon is full of individual poos. Just like rabbit poo on a rock. Now most animals have a load of poo which then comes out in small pieces, but not rabbits. Look at the tube (click on any image to enlarge) and you'll make out several individual small balls of poo in the pipe.

This needs to go though and, rather than messing about, I cut out the whole section with the cleaver. In this photograph the cut where the legs crossed can be seen in the rabbit's right hind leg (left in the image).

Now it's the satisfying bit. The skin peels from the meat like removing a sock and you are soon left with a rabbit which is naked from the armpits down.

The front legs need to be pushed through the pelt in much the same manner as the hind legs were. Thes too will retain the fur on their feet, which can easily be removed with a cleaver (or secateurs if you have no cleaver).

Now you are left with just the head to skin. The best way to do this is not to do it. I don't eat the head and I don't really need to skin it. You will have seen skinned rabbits in markets and the similarity with newborn babies is not lost on me.

Once I have the carcass skinned to the neck I pull the skin up over the head to expose the neck and apply the cleaver.

Once this is done you should have a skinned rabbit carcass

And an empty skin. It is a sad puppet of a rabbit and, as always, I wish I had a use for the pelt so that it should not be wasted, but of course I do not.

Now it is time to strip the meat from the carcass. I do this in a very rough manner. Rabbit thighs, in particular, are very stringy and my knives are very sharp, so I tend to start off by tearing the meat from the bones. This generally follows the lines of muscle and I am able to easily avoid the stringiness.

A purist will take far more off than I, but the more scrags on the the bone, the better the sock [EDIT: I mean 'taste', of course - Thank you Tinium for setting me straight] when the carcass is boiled up. Here is the beginning of stripping, where I have torn off the main cuts (the thighs and the saddle) and the knife work is yet to be completed.

The meat should be well sliced. the smaller the chunks, the more of the game flavour will permeate into the casserole, the larger the chunks the more gamy the meat will taste. It is a very appetising looking flesh.

All that remains to be done now is chopping up the vegetables. I have used mild Spanish onions (because my children prefer them - for adults I'd recommend stronger bulbs) some tomatoes, carrots, broccoli, courgette, tomato purée, potatoes, basil, parsley, lots of thyme, paprika, a stock cube (I prefer chicken, but only had vegetable or beef, so used the veggie option), pepper and whatever I had in the bottom of my pestle and mortar (a time honoured ingredient, chez Manley), but you can really use anything you have.

Add stock and wine, maybe some milk, and set her to cook in a medium hot over (160-180C). You might have to stir the casserole after an hour or so, but in general the longer she stays in the better she'll taste.

And all that is left is to invite friends around and enjoy!

Of course, I am aware that this post is not funny or scatalogical, so I thought I'd close with a consolation photograph of a rabbit poo.

Salmon are not the only fruit.

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I don't like salmon.

I don't like it fried or poached or steamed or smoked or raw. I don't even like it tinned. Salmon and My Lordship just do not get on. Manley does not like salmon.

It's not a fish thing, I like many, many fish. Trout smoked, fried or poached, mackerel in all it's forms, sardines, kippers, cod, hoki, fish and I get on okay, Manley just doesn't like salmon.

Why then is it that Jim insists on buying salmon? Her 'fish is good for the girls' argument doesn't narrow me down to a particular species, so why, I ask again and in a slightly higher pitch, must I be fed salmon?

I weigh 192.4lbs.

I am having a poo

191.3lbs. About what I expected.

In other news, I am happy to report that, whilst some puerile sites, such as, are no longer censored in mainland China, my own dear log blog is banned.

I am going to consider changing hosting, so that I can relaunch to the Chinese populace.

Sunday, 7 October 2007

Unexpected evening poo.

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Following a lovely meal of quail eggs, rabbit casserole and lashings of ice cream floats, I show what puts the ass in casserole by having a very solid evening excretion.

I weigh a very respectable 197.6lbs.

I am having a poo

195.6lbs eh? Anyway, I have guests so I must go . . .

Have a lovely evening and please, be excellent to one another.


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Yesterday was a splendid day.

In the morning we went to the recycling centre and I got a couple of old wooden and brass fishing rods, which I then bastardised into a single short imitation of a rod for my eldest daughter's ballet exam. I have also made a jamjar on a string, but that is much less impressive.

Later on we went for lunch at our vegan friends' new house (they have names and more defining features than their eating habits, but I don't know how they might feel about me using their real names) which involved wraps and falafels, which always makes my Lordship happy.

We went to the park for some football and a play on the swings and then back to ours for Indian, with Tinium and Matthewparker and the rest of the gang.

Following such rich food (and it was hot in places, we had two crying episodes and only one from a child) you'd have to expect a good day today.

I weigh 194.4lbs.

I am having a poo

That was hard work. I weigh 193.4lbs. I'm surprised it was so heavy to be honest. Not often that Indian cuisine makes one constipated, but there you go.

As I write this I feel the need for a repeat visit. I weigh 192.1lbs. Bear with me, I'll be right back.

I am having a poo

Well, that was far more in keeping with a curry. I am a mere 190lbs. My ideal weight, no less.

I have two rabbits and a dozen quail eggs. I am not yet sure what I shall cook.

Saturday, 6 October 2007

Feeling better, but not well.

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But at least I am writing my own blog this morning.

And what a lovely morning it is too.

I have been really rather unwell and have been eating plenty to be sure that I have enough fuel. As a result I weigh a massive 197lbs.

I am having a poo

193.4lbs, eh? My poo size is going up recently, but I cannot be bothered with the charts at the moment, due to illness.

Here is a picture of a tank:

Friday, 5 October 2007

Still ill but a huge poo.

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Not better yet, but 197.2lbs down to 190.9lbs is worthy of comment.

Certainly Manley could be heard to croak that he'd 'done a 6.3lb poo' before he had to rest again.

He seemed a little over-excited by this.


I am Manley. I am ill. I like this animation.

Thursday, 4 October 2007

Manley is ill.

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Manley is really ill. We don't know what it is but he collapsed and is now dizzy and nauseous.

If I didn't know better I'd say that he had been drinking, but I do know better.

Manley can not fill out his own blog posts, so you have a guest blogger in the form of me, his wife, and a photograph of the scatology board with today's weights on.

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

Slow day

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A quick poo this morning, bringing me from 193.4lbs down to 192.2lbs, and a nice picture courtesy of Steef:

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

Spot the leecher, Dylan stylee.

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More fun with leechers today. See if you can spot the leeched images in these two sites:

UPDATE: looks like hammer willy has gone down - so here's a screengrab:

Since quite a lot of you won't give a rat's arse, here's a couple of Bob Dylan videos:

And, from Rick Astley himself, a tirade of abuse at Dylan's proported weaknesses compared to other artists:

2lb but, thankfully, not 5'

Digg this

The disaster rears its ugly head again.

I got to sleep just before 6 this morning, so I am feeling bleary and far from awake and I forgot about the scales.

Oh workaday disasters compounding into a faecal tract of hate! Woe is me.

The battery is flat and I am backing up something chronic. Where oh where can I find a CR2032 battery at this time on a Tuesday?


Joy! My motherboard uses a CR2032! I am able to weigh myself at 193lbs precisely. The relief is tangible.

I am having a poo

191lbs, on the button. Another potential faecal compaction abated, and just in the nick of time, too.

Monday, 1 October 2007

Birds and bees.

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My 6 year old just asked "how does the seed get from there, below your willey" at this point she coyly gestures towards my groin "into Mummy's bits to make the baby and the placenta?"
"Well, what have men got that women haven't got?" I enquired.
"A smaller hole, down there."
"Which on a man is in his . . ."
"His willy. So the seed comes out of your willy?"
"Yes, the seed comes out of my willy." This is made no easier by Jim crying with silent laughter and the middle girl in TEAM MANLEY calmly listening in and eating a Müller yoghurt.
"But how do you get it into Mummy?"
"Well, I put my willy into mummy."

"EUGH! You put your willy in mummy's bits? Thats DISGUSTING!"

I am a proud father =;¬)


Digg this

There is no greater gift a man can give than his life.

I'm guessing that the same does not apply to scales.

After some investigation it appears that Eleanor Precious kicked our scales brutally and without warrant on Friday. One can only speculate as to why one would be angry with a set of scales, but it has to be weight related. (In fairness, I cannot imagine Ellie having a problem with her weigh, she's floaty light).

Either way, I am glad that I had a pre-bath poo this morning, which took me from 194.4lbs down to 193.1lbs. I'll just have to hold out for the day here and miss my normal mid-morning evacuation.

In other news, I went to visit Mr Dagnall for a barbecue yesterday and arrived to the pleasant surprise that Matthewparker was already there, but the unpleasant greeting of a shower of human effluent raining upon me from the jet-washer in the septic tank.

It appears that the sewage had backed up to a disastrous level and begun flowing out onto the lawn and clearing blocked drains is not beyond the expertise of the men. Of course rodding was out of the question, since the screw fell off in the tank. We boys and my girls had our barbecue and threw various garden paraphernalia into the tree to knock down conkers (at one stage we had a broom, a rake, a garden light, two lashing straps and a 4' long, 8" diameter log wedged in there.

The ladies chose to remain indoors with their respective babies, which may well have been less fun, but certainly involved less poo.