Friday, 31 August 2007

7.2lbs of poo!

Digg this

I wake up weighing a mere 189.8lbs.

I'd be somewhat more smug if it were not for the severe haircut I had yesterday (between the five inches I had cut off for Tinium's wedding and the 6" I lost yesterday, I am 11 inches of thick hair the lighter.

As a dieting measure this clearly counts as cheating, but as a weight loss exercise I appear to be on to a winner. Of course I only have about a foot or so of hair left, although I do have a beard and am not totally opposed to the idea of shaving my legs for science.

Anyway . . .

=================
I am having a poo
=================

182.6lbs!

7.2lbs of poo!

I mean, it felt like a god one, but over 7 lbs?

Woo! Yay! Hooplah! Panowie!

Thursday, 30 August 2007

Party foods!

Digg this

Well, as every dieting tubster knows, Summer birthday parties, fuelled as they are with a plethora of jelly, cake, crisps and ice cream, are no place for salad dodgers to lose weight.

Number one daughter is having a party, with entertainer and the like, in a couple of weeks, when the schools have reopened to accept our eager spawn into their educational grasp. In the mean time it was most important to her that we have a soirée.

We were the first of our group to reproduce and, as such, we have a decent number of adult friends for the bairns. Resultantly we had a 20 man eat last night, including, as has already been hinted at, a large amount of excessively sweet joy. Thank you to Helen and Kev for the cherry chocolate birthday cake, incidentally, without which I would not have had my quota of fruit and veg for the day.

I weigh 192lbs, back on my own scales.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Well now, 189.8 only means a 2.2lb poo (and I could have hoped for more) but now that I am hovering around the 190lb mark I find that the bulk of the product has somewhat reduced and I am happy to be sub-ideal once again.

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

Birthday camping.

Digg this

The eldest daughter is having a birthday, so it's a camping we go.

Camping with a 9 week old is somewhat removed to the chucking a bivvy under a hedge of early married life and we have a simply enormous tent, with an 8'X 8' porch I can stand in.

Also we are in my father's field.

This proves fruitful when Jim decides it is too cold and I have to drive her and the baby to my mother's in the middle of the night, so that they can sleep in a bed. It's odd sleeping alone, but it is nice when (at 4'oclock) someone realises that they are now six and I get attacked by excitability.

But I digress. I had a barbecue last night, with the normal sausages, burgers, roast bananas stuffed with dark chocolate and associates paraphernalia, followed by a breakfast this morning of fried kipper, cold sausage, baked beans, bacon, egg, bread and much, much tea.

I have high hopes that this calorific extravaganza can only serve to fuel a weight loss programme of stupendous proportions.

I weigh, on borrowed scales, 13st13lbs, which is 195lbs.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

13st12lbs. It doesn't take a calculator to work out that this is 194lbs and, frankly, a disappointment to the dieting scatologist.

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

Selling myself down the river.

Digg this

Well, the canal anyway. I've had a splendid weekend. On Saturday I took the girls down the canal in DAN'S MUM to a spot I frequent and was presently joined by Matthewparker and the ever lovely Ace. After a splendid picnic we went off to the Warren, where we swam and sat on the beach with chips and a fire until late o'clock.

On Sunday I took the girls down the canal in DAN'S MUM to a spot I frequent and was joined by my in-laws of both the parent and sister variety. After a splendid picnic we returned home and I relaxed.

Yesterday I took the girls down the canal in DAN'S MUM to the double locks, a different spot which I frequent, with Fricky and Jane who we have not seen since our wedding, yet who seem to have changed not one iota in the interim years.

Today I am not going to go out in DAN'S MUM. Instead I am taking the children camping. The middle one is ill, but I don't see how, in this weather, being ill in a tent is going to be a whole heap different to being ill in a house, so we're off to Old Man's field for a spot of star gazing and a fried breakfast.

Now, I know you don't really care, so I'll just update you on my poo and be done with it. I weigh 192.8lbs. Hmm, that's not too bad.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

189.6lbs - first time I have been under weight for quite some time - I like this rowing lark!

Anyway, I must be off up into the loft to dig out tents and associated camping paraphernalia. Have a nice week! I must make sure I pack the scales...

Monday, 27 August 2007

Another gap day.

Digg this

It cannot have failed to come to your attention that, of late, I have had quite a few 'days off'.

I am not, as I am sure you know, merely missing out entries. Rather I am missing exits. Normally I have a weight losing visit to Ivor at least once a day, often 3 or 4 times. This week I have missed 3 days where I just have not needed to go.

I am also getting heavier again. On Saturday I swam a quarter mile or so out to sea, made my way the 4 or 5 groynes along to the headland and ran back. Because I had been swimming I was topless and I could not only feel, but actually see my massive manarries swinging in the late summer sun. Moobs are NEVER attractive and I weigh 194lbs. I do hope this is a big one as this dieting seems to have returned a short term gain (I think that everyone would agree that 30lbs in 2 months is a good record) and then levelled off somewhat.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Hmm. 192.2lbs is still too fat.

*goes off to comfort eat*

------------------------------------------------------------

Well, that makes up for yesterday's abstinence I guess? I weigh 194.9lbs.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

And now I weigh 192.7lbs and I have to go and edit the placenta post comments.

Saturday, 25 August 2007

Holidays!

Digg this

Admittedly, I will almost certainly spend the whole time working on either the house of Jim's part-time work whilst she feeds the baby, but it'll be a different screen I goggle into at least.

There seems to be a lack of weight loss yesterday and, now that I consider it, I did not have a poo.

Maybe I have to eat more?

Either way, I am piling on the pounds again, weighing, as I do, a quite absurd 197.4lbs.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

196.1lbs. I realised, whilst seated, that I was clasping my (simply enormous) mug in my sweaty paw, so both these weights include a solid lump of clay which Jim crudely fashioned into a receptacle many moons ago, on the occasion of my 30th.

I may photograph it later, for your viewing pleasure.

I am a little concerned that I went without any weight loss activities yesterday without noticing. It must have been all the excitement with the balls.

As a point of mild interest, the grey balls are our chairs, we don't own that many inflatable toys.

Thanks (mostly) to Steef for this:


------------------------------------------------------

Emergency poo! I am 194.5lbs of pure man.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Blimey, nearly didn't have time to weigh! 193.1lbs are not as much pure man.

Holidays!

Digg this

Admittedly, I will almost certainly spend the whole time working on either the house of Simone's part-time work whilst she feeds the baby, but it'll be a different screen I goggle into at least.

I weigh 197.4lbs

=================
I am having a poo
=================

I weigh 196.1lbs - it's a holiday 1.3lbs of poo!

Friday, 24 August 2007

Silly season.

Digg this

Subsequent attempts were very successful, reaching distances upwards of 30', but none match the second attempt where a mixture of ill-conceived enthusiasm and a false confidence from the first run lead to a vaguely catastrophic conclusion.

I only bleed from 4 places.



I also mended my bike thanks to the good people at Sidwell CyclesExeter's best bike shop.

[UPDATE: I have been alerted by the ever lovely 100%Kitten, to the fact that some people cannot see youtube videos at work, so here is the raw file for those poor saps.

Get a proper job!

Thursday, 23 August 2007

Narcissists anonymous?

Digg this

I was quite unnecessarily chuffed this morning by this, frankly fantastic, illustration from that ever lovely illustrator to the stars, Dotmund who appears to have caught my inane grin to a T.



Now I am not usually one to praise others (frankly, if you are not me then you're not up to scratch), but I do like Ed's work and you should check out his comic Nicer World and maybe buy some of his illustrations, which are really rather good. Now I just need to work out where to put it in my template.

In other news, I have a guest pooer today, in the guise of one Mr Tom Mitchell, son of the notable author Peter and bearded fool.

Whilst Thomas has a severe handicap in the form of a severely reduced fighting weight to begin with (which can be attributed to the difference in our height being at the top, where the (obviously heavy) brain is located) he is on form lately and has the look of a man who has prepared for this.

His 1.5lb poo is not anything that I have to worry about, but it is good for a first time effort.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-! Staying at home! Staying at home!

Digg this

It's relatively early on a Thursday morning, the dustmen have yet to begin strewing litter around the street and clashing bin lids together, yet the darkness has lifted enough to allow the faint glow of the sun on the rain clouds to penetrate my poorly closed curtains.

The newest recruit to Team Manley is lying, gurgling in her crib. Waking up and not screaming is about as splendid a thing as a bairn can do and it is with a heart laden with affection for my clan that I weave my merry way to visit Ivor, contemplating, as I go, where the bin-lids are sourced from in these days when the bags need to be left outside of receptacles if they wish to be collected, in case of back injuries for the refuse collection operatives.

I weigh in at 194lbs, which is, whilst still well over the recommended daily allowance of Manley, still quite a leap forward (or downwards) from yesterday's obesity.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Post poo I seem to weigh 192.8lbs. That's 192.8lbs of Manley who, now that the children are home and Tom has descended upon us in an unexpected, but very welcome, manner, is loathe to leave the fair maiden Jim alone at home, following her being rushed off to the municipal hospital on Tuesday night with suspected duffness.

I think that I must elect to work from home today, which is actually a bit of a bugger and I'd rather have done it yesterday. Ah well, such is life.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Having killed my laptop I am using a work one which, inexcusably, not only lacks a WiFi card, but also has a space for an internal one, but it appears to be blocked off by the manufacturer. Matthewparker might still have the PCMIA cards which Marky gave us when we lived at #42, but until he finds them I am left working at the window-seat on a network cable. That said, not having an internet connection is no barrier to typing my blog, so without further ado I am off to the bathroom.

I appear to weigh an enormous 198.7lbs, but I then realise that, without the laptop (which must, therefore, weigh around 5.3lbs) I weigh only 193.4lbs

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Clearly it takes far less time to copy and paste the legend 'I am having a poo' from further up in this post than it does to defecate, so I am left with a void to fill. Hmm, what to say? How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake. No, that's too silly. I don't know - perhaps I'll just stop typing.

===================
I am washing my hands
===================

(and trying not to electrocute myself).

I weigh (now that I am back at my window-seat) 191.2lbs, which is not too shoddy really, all things considered.

That aside, I have other news. News that is probably worth a post of its own, now I come to think of it.

Wednesday, 22 August 2007

Sick family day

Digg this

Jim became ill whilst I was in London and is most unwell. This is unfoprtunately having a bad effect on the youngest daughter as well, through the breastfeeding.

I weigh a very tired 192.1lbs

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Post poo I weigh 190.9lbs.

In other news, you know how sometimes something gets stuck in your head and won't get out?



===============================================================

UPDATE:

A late night poo brings me from a frankly rotten 198.9lbs down to a far from respectable 198.3lbs.

This is a setback.

Sorry it's late,

Digg this

I was in London yesterday and was too busy to log my logs, but that doesn't mean that I was too busy to note them down.

In the morning I dropped from 190.3lbs to 189.8lbs - it's good to be the skeletal side of 190lbs again for a spell.

Later, at work, I weighed 196.2lbs, which was somewhat upsetting, especially as I only dropped to 195.2lbs and so am still officially a lardarse.

Monday, 20 August 2007

Monday Morning Blues.

Digg this

I've been working on the kitchen or at Haldon (where there was a truly spectacular crash yesterday) all weekend, so I am bollocksed and, in essence, the last thing I want to do today is go to work.

I do want a poo though. I weigh a frankly obese 194.9lbs.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Well, that was satisfying - I now weigh 193.5lbs and, despite my previous work free day's wishes, I must mount my trusty bicycle, Marchant, and pedal off to the office As a small aside, I have owned Marchant since 1988 when he was given to me as a gift from my parents for passing my Common Entrance exams so, whilst he had already created the characters beloved of Brentford by then and, in turn, the bicycle of Mr Omally, Rankin can just sod off. My Old Man is two weeks older than he is and could, I have no doubt, beat him in a duel. A banjo duel at any rate.

But I digress.

------------------------------------------------

Well, the ride to work was wet and horrible. I suffered no accidents to match last weeks collisions, but I am, none the less, left moist. My good lady wife is bringing my youngest daughter to meet me at luncheon, so I am in a jolly mood as I note to myself that I weigh 194lbs.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Well, I weigh 191.2lbs, but there is more to it than that.

The lavatories stink to high heaven of a foul, obnoxious scent which is periodically (at least 3 times in a seating) sprayed out from small automated nasal assault units.

Additionally, the roller towel has been taken and replaced with paper towels and the loo rolls have been replaced with what my old troop bombardier referred to as 'John Wayne'. That is, it is rough, tough and it doesn't take any shit.

Why moving the loo roll holders down a foot on the wall to 'in the way' is deemed necessary or why the cost of poisoning the staff is deemed acceptable above and beyond that of paper which does not make my arse bleed, I cannot imagine.

Bastards.

Sunday, 19 August 2007

Just to let you know . . .

Digg this

I did no poo at all today.

Saturday, 18 August 2007

Multi-ballpoo

Digg this

It's been a pretty unpleasant morning. In summary:

192.1 => 191.6
195.1 => 191.1
195.7 => 192.8
194.9 => 193.5

and it's 10 o'clock.

I think that I should have stayed in bed.

That said, I think that 8.8lbs of poo has to be my record to date.

Friday, 17 August 2007

Proper use of Admin resources.

Digg this

I seem to be favouring the early morning weight loss of late.

I weigh 193lbs as well, which is not very pleasant in reality. My wife says I am putting weight back on and she's normally subtle.

I went for a run last night and covered nearly 8 miles, but it doesn't seem to have greatly affected my trimness.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

191.4lbs. I can't truly say that I am upset by a 1.6lb poo.

------------------------------------------

At work and stupidly busy, I pop into the exec office, weigh myself, go for a quick weight losing poo and return to the scales without a moment to lose.

Thankfully the office teen is able to email me my weights: 193.4lbs before, 192.2 after.

Must log them on the graphs.

Thursday, 16 August 2007

I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Digg this

That said, there was little or no yellow available in my mirror this morning, as I stood weighing 189lbs, on the dot.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Oh, 188.1. Hardly worth the effort, really.

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

Everything is falling apart!

Digg this

It was a late night last night and the bloody boiler has packed up again.

What with the dishwasher, the boiler and my laptop breaking and the kitchen being rebuilt and a bill for far more than I was expecting from the Builder (like nearly 3 times what I was expecting, I am not a happy man today. I do, however, weigh 188.9lbs.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

188.6lbs. Not to bad. I'm off to work.

----------------------------------------------------

It's not half eleven yet, but I feel the need for another visit. I'll go stand on the scales and I'll report back shortly.

----------------------------------------------------

According to the scales (which have magically relocated themselves out of the exec room of late - I am certain that this does not coincide with any maternity that might be going on in there - and are currently residing in Search-PR) I weigh 192.8lbs I set off for the lavatories, arm-in-arm with Rowan, much to the distress of young Thomas, our resident youth.

A short fight over the last free cubicle later:

=================
I am having a poo
=================

My toiletries took exactly the same amount of time as it took Rowan to go to the top floor, carry out his own ablutions and return. I find, upon returning to the naveless one's desk, that I weigh in at 190.4lbs.

I seem to have levelled out at about the right place.

It's a multi-poo week, it would appear.

Digg this

After three visits to Ivor, to offload some unnecessary waste from my waist, I have a couple again today.

When I wake up I weigh myself at 188.9lbs which, if I am honest, is somewhat pleasing. after a short toilet break I find that I deposited 1.8lbs in the pan and now weigh a mere 187.1lbs.

Now it is afternoon, yet I still only weigh 192.8lbs, despite a pub lunch (and well done to those who got married in a clandestine manner over the weekend, btw).

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Despite all the cake, I still weigh a poultry 191lbs. None too shabby really.

Recent events suggest that things can only improve.

Tuesday, 14 August 2007

3 short weight loss session for almost no gain.

Digg this

No pain, no gain they say.

They are, of course, utterly wrong.

I had a poor start to the morning, weighing in at 192.3lbs, but, post-poo, I was back down to my ideal weight of 190lbs precisely.

Shortly afterwards I find that I am back up to 191.6lbs, but a quick visit to Ivor soon brings me back to a better than respectable 189.8lbs.

So far so good, but it's nearly home time now and I still weigh 191.8lbs.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Dammit! 191lbs.

I, rather grumpily, leave you with a picture of Edinburgh Tattoo, as always, click for big and details:


Copyright Matt Parker

Sunday, 12 August 2007

Slow metabolism?

Digg this

Well, you've all heard fat bloaters complaining that it's down to their having a 'slow metabolism' and thought to yourself 'bollocks, you just need to eat less lard, you tubby fool', right? Well, I would be the very first to agree with you.

That said, I have noticed that, of late, I have been slipping above my ideal weight and, resultantly, almost certainly hitting above my ideal BMI.

Certainly this morning's 193.1lbs leaves much to be desired. I have come straight from my bed to the bathroom for some serious weight loss activities. I've put in the training, with fish and chips, Indian, beer, port, wine, gin, a lb of cheese and a decent row down the canal to the Double Locks and back (where, as an aside, the covers band did an instrumental of 7 seconds of Love's Ninja, which pleased me greatly), as well as drinking enough tea to sink not only a battleship, but also any retained vessels normally used for skirting around the bows, scraping off the barnacles, painting, repairing and the like.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Well, loathe as I am to admit it, but it looks like yesterday's panic about the ineffectiveness of a mixture of Kenyan beer and Indian cuisine was misplaced. I clearly have a metabolism which delays the effects of a really good curry for a day or two.

Either that or a pint of Yellow Hammer has a good bowel loosening effect.

Either way, I now weigh (Ooh, what horrible prose) 189.9lbs.

189.9

Saturday, 11 August 2007

Indian food; personal saviour or destroyer of worlds?

Digg this

Well, with guests and all that, what should be done, if not feeding myself up with a mixture of takeaways and beer?

For luncheon I pulled in at a roadside chish and fips shop in Dawlish Warren, where they took so long to cook our order that my battery was dead from leaving the doors open and the radio on.

As is customary in these situations, the children and associated accompaniments conspire to assist me in manners which only serve to aggravate the situation and so are shipped off to the beach to have fun, whilst I get a lift into Dawlish proper for to find myself a garage.

Unfortunately the garage lacks for equipment as the van is out on a breakdown, so I am left buying a set of frankly pathetic jump leads.

If you are the baker who drove me up from the Warren, be assured that I am far more grateful to you than I was when I alighted your pick-up. Being local, I am used to a friendly response from passers by and a generally pleasant atmosphere in most of the South West. Unfortunately, come Emit season, this all changes.

If I had been aware of the way in which Northerners, visiting our humble county, feel about hitch-hikers, I might have taken the cliff path instead. The only moment of joy was the red van driver who told me he was taking the next left and was buying chips when I arrived at the chip-shop and my truck.

Well, I lifted the 'bonnet' which, being as I drive a Delica, involved moving car seats and unplugging fridges and generally faffing, and sat down to 'enjoy' my cold chips and await a suitable truck to attempt to jump start my truck, in the vague hope that the leads were up to the job.

10 minutes of greasy foulness later, I turn the key and the engine starts. Bugger. Oh well, I drive off to the beach where, through a fantastic twist of fate, I am able to thank the red van driver who is having a snooze there for all his assistance, which annoys him enough to make him cringe down into his seat.

If you are he and reading this, I hope you drown in the pus which your own boils exude.

So, a greasy lunch needs some sort of follow up, in case swimming out to sea to annoy a yacht has burned off too much of the fat. Indian, I thought.

A variety of beers, wines, spirits and Indian cuisine later I stumbled to bed and blessed sleep, but I woke up this morning feeling fine and weighing 192.5lbs.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

The exceedingly average poo which has resulted in my weighing 191.4lbs leaves me feeling dissatisfied with the quality of Kenyan beer and Indian food.

Friday, 10 August 2007

A day off in the summer.

Digg this

I'm having a day off in the sunshine with my friends. I am about to leave for the beach, but first:

I weigh 189.6lbs.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

I weigh 189.2lbs, but as I type this I realise that I need another poo. A quick cup of tea later, I weigh 191lbs.

====================
I am having another poo
====================

I weigh 189.5lbs. I have to pop out to our child-minder friend's house to borrow a car seat, since we have guests with babies, and then I'm off to Dawlish Warren, to do battle with the Emits.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Back and bustin' - I seem to be able to retain excrement today in precisely the same way as foxes can play darts. I weigh 193.6lbs, in my shoes.

=======================
I am having yet another poo
=======================

I weigh 192.6lbs. So far today, I have excreted 2.9lbs of poo, yet I have gained 3 lbs in weight. Anyone would think that my toast and tea weighed something. Oh, or maybe it's my shoes?

Thursday, 9 August 2007

Audis - great for the first 4 hours or so.

Digg this

I think I spent about 8 hours in an Audi yesterday. A nice car and exquisite company, but by God do Manleys get tired being a passenger?

This morning I find that I weighed 190.1lbs, which is better than I expected, but possibly down tot he fact that I fell asleep halfway through my dinner last night (I deigned not to tell SWMBO about the 'spicy chicken slice' I purchased in a garage on the way back) and was thus less fuelled for weight loss than might otherwise be the case.

I suppose that the lack of calories might have played a part in my exhaustion also.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

198.1lbs, eh? That's not too shoddy.

Well, We had the ever lovely Charlotte Aggett visiting for a couple of days, and she left yesterday, and now we have a couple and bairn arriving this evening. I really need to clean the house AND do lots of work - I need shorter weekends.

---------------------------------------------------------

I'm getting fairly peckish now, but I need to lose some weight first. Unfortunately it would appear that we have a meeting going on in the exec office, so I shall have to wait (no pun intended)

---------------------------------------------------------

Getting quite desperate now.

---------------------------------------------------------

Sod it.
*goes to the exec office*
*knocks*
*retrieves scales without a word*
*receives puzzled looks from meeting attendees who he does not know and amused ones from those he does*
*weighs in at 191.4lbs*

=================
I am having a poo
=================

And I find that, post-poo, I still weigh a massive 190.4lbs.

The diet is not going as well as it once was.

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

Missing the Nelson

Digg this

It is with some distress that I come to realise that I have missed the opportunity to balance, or fall, in the manner of David Shepherd, as I prepare to blog my 112th post.

As if taunting me deliberately, I go from a pre-poo weight of 193.5lbs, down to the near Nelsonic 191.1lbs.

I have to accept now that I am getting heavier again. I think I need more grease if I am ever to poo out this weight.

"Cake for breakfast?" asks Lady Manley and, of course, who am I to argue?

Tuesday, 7 August 2007

Olives

Digg this

Fluffy is having some problems with his central heating and, in particular, with one of his radiator's compression joints.

Since I needed to pop out for a soldering iron anyway, it would have been rude not to have also purchased a packet of olives for him, whilst I was in the area and, thus, I did so.

The nice man from John Gandys was able to supply not only the bat eggs, but also a stapler.

Hilarity, as can be expected, ensued.


Click for bigger.


In other news, before my, rather splendid, pub lunch I weighed in at 191.2lbs. I had a poo, as I so often tend to do, after a session on the scales, and then found I had dropped to 191lbs. I am, as you can no doubt imagine, far from impressed by this, somewhat disastrous turn of events.

Types of poo.

Digg this

  1. GHOST POO : You know you've pooed. There is poo on the toilet paper but none in the toilet.
  2. TEFLON COATED POO : Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper, you have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
  3. GOOEY POO : This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 time and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underpants so you don't stain them. This poo leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
  4. SECOND THOUGHT POO : You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise it, you've got some more.
  5. POP A VEIN VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POO : This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
  6. WEIGHT WATCHERS POO [Manley: Aha!]: You poo so much that you loose several kilograms.
  7. RIGHT NOW POO : You better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting there. Usually, it has its head out before you get your pants down.
  8. KING KONG POO : This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else's house.
  9. CORK POO : ( Also known as a floater.) Even after the third flush, it's still floating in the bowel. My god. How do I get rid of it ??
  10. WET CHEEKS POO : This poo hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.
  11. WISH POO : You sit there all cramped up for a few minutes, but no poo.
  12. CEMENT BLOCK POO : You wish that you'd gotten a spinal block before you pooed.
  13. SNAKE POO : This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb, and at least three feet long.
  14. MEXICAN FOOD POO : ( Also called the screamer.) You know it's okay to eat again when your bum stops burning.
  15. BEER DRUNK AND MEAT PIE POO : This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poos don't smell too bad, but this one is BAD !!. Usually this happens at someone else's house and there is someone standing outside the door waiting to use the bathroom.


Click for more

Moai or chips?

Digg this

Before I go any further, I was most amused by a comment I received on the placenta post this morning. The idea that, by dint of being suitably repulsive, I can induce weight loss in others, seems worthy of pursuit.

In other news, I weigh a quite stupendous 192lbs. Our MD wants to know what that is in stone and I actually take the time to switch the scales to the St./lbs setting and weighing myself, which is a sad indictment of the way I have come to rely on technology to carry out even the simplest of tasks. Somehow 13St 10lbs seems heavier than 192lbs, so I am a little deflated as I wander off to visit Ivor.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Post poo I weigh in at 189.4lbs. The MD is still quite amazed that it is possible to lose 30lbs in such a short space of time, but I recommend pooing more.

Ah, but 'tis a bright and sunny day and a young man's thoughts are wont to turn to Easter Island.

Monday, 6 August 2007

Weekend binge eating sees my weight creeping back up

Digg this

As it says on the tin, the weekend sees my weight creeping back up, at least pre-poo.

The youngest Manley managed to sleep until half seven this morning, so I have woken up feeling worse than normal. How does this exhaustion thing work? Surely I get to sleep it off eventually?

I weigh 191.3lbs.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

189.5lbs? After yesterday's exercise? You can't fool me, there's more to come.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm at work and I 'weigh', on the unreliable Exec. office scales, a rather podgy 191.2lbs.

=======================
I am having another poo
=======================

And now I am back down to 189.2lbs.

I found this picture of my office (and, indeed, my 'chair') on flickr this morning - It pleased me:


Click for more details

Sunday, 5 August 2007

Sunday at the woods.

Digg this

Well, I woke up this morning ready for a nice day's cycling. It's all very well that I need to move a ton and a half of rubble from my garden, I need a day off, so Tinium comes around and I am off up to Haldon to move a couple of tons of mud about.

We managed to move about 2 ton of wood (mostly the Geniu's doing) and fashion the first couple of tabletops in the new rhythm section, and I managed to overheat myself to the point where I began to get delirious.

I can only assume that it was the dehydration which led to a weight loss break which only amounted to 1.3lbs (from 190.1lbs to 188.8lbs).


Click for more

Saturday, 4 August 2007

Early morning poos

Digg this

I woke up this morning feeling rough. The middle daughter has tonsillitis, so I have been up all night feeding her Calpol and Nurofen.

Then, to top that, a farm in Guildford has foot and mouth, which is about as bad a piece of news as I can imagine for my father, who runs a firm in the dairy industry.

I weigh 190lbs, but I am struggling to care today.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

189.3lbs. The baby is screaming, the middle child is very unwell and Jim is moaning because she wants me to take the eldest to B&Q to get some glass to put a window in the spare(?) bedroom.

Bollocks.

-------------------------------------------------------------

A return visit sees further weight loss. This time I am at a starting point of 189.9, just below my ideal (or at least target) weight.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

188.1lbs - that's a 1.8lb poo, which isn't too shoddy.

Also, the girls' sunflowers are huge, so there is much to be grateful for.

Friday, 3 August 2007

I am overweight again.

Digg this

I am not sure when I started to care, but it seems I actually do - I was noticeably put out to discover that I weighed 192.2lbs this morning and even more disgruntled when, after exercising my rights to lavatory use, I found that I was still 191.2lbs.

I have lost about 30lbs over the last couple of months and I owe this, in no small part, to the scatology dieting programme. The truth is though, that I started all this for a laugh and didn't really care tuppence about my weight.

When I initially worked out my BMI and ideal weight, I was aiming at a target of 200lbs. When I achieved this, just to make a bit of a challenge out of it, I moved the goal posts to 190lbs.

This, falsely created, meaningless target now consumes me and, going from a man who was a bit podgy, but could still run a half marathon of cycle 40 miles and who didn't care about weight, just about excess lard, to an obsessed idiot, on the point of anorexia.

What is happening to me? Am I turning into Anneka Rice.

Oh well, she had a nice botty, I suppose.

Thursday, 2 August 2007

SWEETCORN!

Digg this

There is really very little in life as pleasing as a really good sweetcorn poo.

In light of this I set about feeding myself as much sweetcorn last night as I could manage and I woke up this morning weighing 191.3lbs. After yesterday's pathetic weight loss session, I am not sure that it is appropriate to get excited about my target weight until I have actually achieved it.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Well, the results are both pleasing and disappointing in pretty much equal measure. My weight stands at 189.7lbs, so I am below my target weight (which is my ideal weight as calculated by a randomly selected BMI website) but my dietary intake of sweetcorn has not made itself apparent in my final product.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I am at work now - I put my back out last night, so I am hobbling around like Albert Steptoe, but that doesn't stop me limping my way to the Exec Office and getting on the scales. The bloody office teen has set them to stone again and, not being able to bend, I have to convolutely flip it and slide the switch with a combination of footwork and swearing, but eventually I discover that I weigh 194.2lbs.

Since I have eaten an orange and drunk only a few cups of tea, this is an unwelcome surprise and so the sooner I get down to losing weight the better.

=================
I am having a poo
=================

Good news all round - I weigh 189.8lbs, so that was a 4.4lb poo (woo! yay! and, indeed, hooplah!) and the sweetcorn was available in abundance.

Joy is me, sayeth the cleansed.

Wednesday, 1 August 2007

Digg this

Well, I had an incredibly sleepless night and am utterly knackered. I do however weigh a mere 190.4lbs, which, pre-poo, is not bad really. I spent the evening at a friend's allotment last night and had plenty of vegetables and fruit, so I am hopeful for a high fibre fuelled weight loss session.


=================
I am having a poo
=================

It's funny how a child, upon hearing the lavatory door close will, despite previously replying in the negative mode when inquiries are made as to its impending toiletry requirements, suddenly discover a previously latent, yet pressingly urgent need to make use of the facilities. Either way, I weigh 190.1lbs, which is frankly disappointing and is not going to help with my diet at all, let alone my morale.